Ever get a big hard slap in the face and it was exactly what you needed?

That’s where I am at this moment.

This has to do with the lover I wrote so extensively about under this goal. It was a few months ago. I was totally head over heels for him.

He broke up with me very suddenly about two months ago. Since we move in the same community and are both going to a major gathering together, it will be impossible to avoid him forever.

So he came over this evening so we could talk some things out.

I won’t bother with the details because I’m shutting down around the pain and it’s difficult to write about at the moment. Basically we had had a three-way agreement for an open relationship from the get-go. Suddenly, his other girlfriend/parter/whatever, freaked out & said she couldn’t do it anymore. So he dumped me.

I was telling him I kept thinking I’d wished he’d had the integrity to tell her that his & my connection started with her consent, and so now he had this viable connection with me, and he couldn’t just dump me.

He said, and I quote near exactly, he got what I was saying. But he loves the other one and while he cares about me, he doesn’t love me.

F*CK.

God, that’s awful. How the hell could he not love me?? says my emotional mind. (not the logical one)

But it was exactly what I needed. If there ain’t nothin’ there, then there ain’t nothin’ there. I’m not going to hang around mooning for someone who doesn’t love me. The emptiness, the void really does permit me to move on.

There’s more to say but I think I’m done with this entry, for now.