Sleep is so boring. No, okay, I take that back. Sleep is magnificent, and dreams are so weird and beautiful and I love them.
No, what’s tedious about sleep is achingly lying here for hours waiting for it to happen, my sore body pinned down by the dark and by loneliness, a pillow at my side clutched fondly under one arm.
This is awkward. Part of me really wishes for sleep to happen, but I can feel this other part of me pushing it away, holding it out at arms length so I’m forced to spend some time with myself.
How crazy and embarrassing is that? I‘ve been ignoring myself. This is my life, slap bang in the middle of it, and I’ve been ignoring myself. Who am I? Who’s this in this body I’ve been lugging around for so long? I don’t know but I’d sealed up parts of myself, folded them up into envelopes, and pocketed them away until – until what? Until I can be bothered or brave enough to be who I am, maybe. Sometimes that takes a lot of energy. I could move an inch left or right, curl my way forwards rather than feel like I have to gallop.
Hmmmm. So here I am. 5.35am ignoring myself.
I was shocked when I realised half the year was already over and I hadn’t even written down any creative dreams or projects to do. Where have I been? I remember writing that goal and I felt so clear and excited about it at the time. I’ve had some personal creative projects, one kept secret and kept inside my inner life, but the others? Maybe I’ve been on hold. But… no. that’s wrong too, I can feel so many micro movements steaming up on the inside of me, moving like many little legs, turning into condensation and soon rain.
I really need to refresh myself, take a long plunge into life again, take a big sweeping nose dive from somewhere high, or, at least, dip my toes in and bob my head under for a while, let my hair fan out like long ropey sea weed in the water.
I need to hit the back button a moment and spin it another way.
So. Things are coming together under the surface, circling, rising… and writing is a way forward.

I’ll have an eye on my daily routine and let things unravel. Sleep now, Rosa.