I’ve been doing stand-up for 2 years, and have been getting work as an MC. I’ve also taught comedy classes at an A room comedy club, and I worked in the box office of a comedy club, so I’ve got quite a bit of experience in my short amount of time in comedy.

First of all, write. I don’t give a shit how funny your friends think you are, if you’re arrogant enough to think that you don’t have to prepare anything before you go up, you’ll be in for a rude awakening. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s never been good. So write some jokes.

But what about? Write about whatever you want. Unless you live in some rural or conservative area, most open mikes won’t censor comics aside from blatant racism (IE use of the N word). So feel free to write jokes about anything. Write about your dog. Write about your extra-long pubic hairs. They say when you’re starting out you shouldn’t use too much profanity, which is kinda true. Lots of club managers like clean-cut comics that won’t offend anyone. But I personally think that if it’s funny, then it doesn’t matter. Like my mentor tells me, “funny is funny”. If you’re a naturally foul-mouthed person, tone it down just a little bit (IE don’t say “fuck” so fucking much you fuck), but pretty much no topic is taboo.

So write. Write a lot. Before you even think about a stage, you gotta get comfortable with writing jokes and things you think are funny. And the way you should write, is write the way YOU think a stand-up comic would write. But if you aren’t sure about doing that, a good joke format to start out with is setup/punchline/tag. The setup is the premise of the joke, or everything about the joke right before they laugh. The punchline is, well, the punchline. This is the line that brings the laughter. The tag is the punchline after the punchline, which is usually a snippy line to bring in some more laughs. I’ll illustrate this format with an example.

Setup: I was buying wood the other day. The cashier wasn’t wearing a shirt, and her tits were sticking out. She then asks if that’s all the wood I have.

Punchline: I told her, “no, I’ve got 3 inches of oak I’m hiding in my pants.”

Tag: So I whipped it out and she had the biggest, sexiest smile on her face…right before she burst into laughter.

Ok, that wasn’t a good joke. But you should get the basic idea of how to set up a joke. Oh, and don’t steal that joke. NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER tell a joke onstage that YOU didn’t write (or if a friend wrote for you and gives you explicit permission to use onstage). Do not tell jokes from a joke book, from your favorite comics, or from anyone that isn’t yours. That’s joke stealing, and it’s the biggest sin in comedy. Now, sometimes two people will write very similar jokes independently of each other, which isn’t common, but happens. Handle those on a case-by-case basis, or quit relying on the news so much to come up with material.

As far as comedy books or comedy classes, they can help, but not as much as you think. I never took a class, and I barely used a comedy book to help me write. It’s a matter of opinion, but I think the best way to write jokes is to write them and keep doing them onstage. That’s how you’re gonna get a feel for what really works. Books can teach you structure and format, but I see them as training wheels. Eventually you’ll get a feel for how to do it naturally. Then again, I know headliners that still use comedy books to help them out, but many don’t. It’s a matter of preference, and it can’t hurt. But I will say that the feeling of getting good at comedy by your own hard work and trial-and-error gives you a certain confidence in your own abilities as a comic.

Okay, so you’re writing, yada yada, before you break your stand-up virginity, you wanna shoot for about 5 minutes of material. And when you get that 5 minutes to start with, start rehearsing it. Do it alone. Don’t try it on your friends or with people, because the biggest lie about comedy is that anything that is funny onstage is funny offstage. If you’re starting out, it isn’t. The way you tell jokes and make friends laugh is completely different from being onstage by yourself in front of strangers. Yes, topics and things are funny everywhere, but when you’re starting out, the only way to know if something is gonna be funny onstage is if you do it onstage. Nowhere else.

So you got your 5 minutes or so, you think it rocks, now it’s time to hit the mic and pop your cherry. Find some local comedy clubs, call them to ask when their open mike is, and follow their instructions. Let me emphasize that: FOLLOWTHEIRINSTRUCTIONS. If they say you gotta call Saturday to confirm and you forget, you aren’t getting on, period. Some clubs are lax about this, but assume they’re not. Lots of other people wanna get on, and if you don’t call in for that spot, someone else happily will.

Oh, and bring people to your first open mike. It shouldn’t be hard to do because most people will be intrigued when you tell them you’re gonna try comedy and they will at least come out once to see you.

Hint hint: clubs love it when you bring people to the open mikes. The more people you bring, the more they will like you. Even if you suck ass, the club makes more money with the more people you bring in. Fact is, comedy clubs are BUSINESSES. Even if we like to think that they are the havens of own artistic aspirations, their only purpose is to make money. Your job as a comic is to keep people in seats long enough for people to buy drinks and food. The more people, the more they spend, the more the club makes, and the more opportunities you can get. This is VERY important to remember when starting out.

So now you’re about to perform, there’s some rules you gotta follow. First of all, learn how to use the mic stand. Either righty tighty/lefty loosy, or there’s a trigger you hold to extend and lower it. Know beforehand if you wanna keep the mic in the stand, or take it out and hold it. Most people take it out, but it’s a personal preference. If you do take it out of the stand, DO NOT LEAVE THE MIC STAND THERE. Either put it behind you, or to the side, or even lean on it. But don’t let it be in front of you unless the mic is still in there. Watch what other comics do to get a better feel of what to do. Oh, and don’t go over your time. When the emcee or whoever lights you and you gotta wrap it up, WRAP IT UP. Even if it means fucking the joke up and closing shitty, it’s better than going over your time and pissing off everyone else in the club. Obey the rules of the club, and respect the club. And the club shall respect you.

So you did your first open mike, maybe you did good, maybe you sucked, maybe you got thrown up on by someone. Then what? Do it again. Keep doing it over and over. Start refining your jokes so that they are better. Start writing some more. Start working on things like how to open, how to close your set, just do it. And when your jokes are solid, start writing some new ones. Go from 5 minutes to building 10 minutes. And so on, and so on. Start playing with the joke format. Write crazy jokes with 5 punchlines. Write jokes with long setups with one killer (and I do mean KILLER) punchline. Have fun with it. It’s your comedy, do it the way you like it.

Sign up whenever you can. This is important: start meeting the other open mikers, because they have more experience with the scene, and they’ll tell you where the other open mikes are, and what times, and all sorts of stuff. You really can’t find the scene through a newspaper. You gotta network to do it. If you really wanna do this, you gotta get in with the scene and be known as a staple of the amateur circuit. And start finding those open mikes and rooms, start signing up. Even if you don’t get on, show up anyway. Check out the room. Get a feel for what works and what doesn’t. Talk to comics, hang out with them. Just being around comedy as much as you can will help so much. Go to the weekend shows too. That’s where you’re gonna see the real talent, and you’ll be able to learn who in the scene is good and who isn’t by who’s getting work and who’s not. Not to mention, if you’ve been doing it long enough and your material is strong, you can start asking managers to do guest sets, which is when you do your jokes in front of a real comedy crowd for free. Yes, it sucks you’re doing a pro show for no money, but it’s good practice for performing in front of REAL comedy crowds, which are different from open mike crowds. Keep doing that, keep working the open mike scene, and if you’re good enough, you’re gonna get people asking you to start emceeing. And that’s all I can offer you.

Good luck. You’ll need it.