I have been in a relationship my whole life and due to being brought up in a family unit where my mother and father had a totally dysfunctional relationship but stayed together even though they were both unhappy / cheating and causing each other pain with distrust, anger, resent and co-dependence – I have never learnt how to be a happy independent valuable half of a relationship and have stayed in relationships that were unhappy and painful because I learnt that’s what you do. I never give myself time to be alone, learn to find myself, be strong as an independent and happy and successful woman because I am petrified of being alone. In the fear of being alone I cling to people, manipulate people and cause my loved ones pain. No healthy happy relationship could ever come until I am happy and free and content as an independent individual just as I am able to in every other aspect of my life. I would always put my partner first because I was so scared I would lose them but who wants a pathetic self-deprecating subservient nothing as a partner when who they fell in love with was a strong and confident woman with an interesting and fulfilling life. I lose myself in the relationship and become a bit of an emotional parasite.
I need to be alone to find myself and try to not fall into my typical pattern of rebounding with the first guy who comes along even if he has serious flaws that a normal rational person would keep at arms length (instead of falling head over heels in love in the first five minutes). I need to be in love to feel complete but I need to be happy to be alone and wait to find someone who is truly compatible with me and complements me as a person.
It will be a long year but it will be a year I had to have.
I don’t want to look back and regret who I let myself be.