I’d almost turn vegan to help you accomplish your goal.
Thanks for the laugh (ok, and inspiration)

Being “vegan” means – to many – a stubborn commitment to bodily purity and/or global sustainability, bordering on the aescetic (= a person who renounces material comforts and leads a life of austere self-discipline, especially as an act of religious devotion). Except in this case the devotion is to eco-political correctness. And while there is something oddly noble in the vegan’s stance, there is also something neurotically excessive about it all, and irritatingly so when they begin their affronted self-righteous guilt-trips on those of us who are still omnivores.

What I mean is that their end isn’t served by their means. Go to a vegan restaurant to see if anyone smiles while they eat. They don’t. They just don’t enjoy their food. The whole process of consumption is just so massively ‘conflicted’ for them, that even when they practice what they preach, their preachings aren’t delicious. Or their tastebuds are dead.

I’d like to eat one just to put him or her out of their misery. And out of mine.