my bliss is over, and my downward spiral is about to begin.

It feels like my soul goes somewhere else, and I’m an empty shell left here. and the longer my soul is away, the more it deteriorates. Even yesterday, the day before, I didnt say no to suicide. I was feeling ok then, even happy. When I’m up there, sometimes I feel so amazing, I think thinkgs like: “I can never have a better moment than this – everything will be downhill from here – this was the culmunation of my life, it was wonderful, but now it is over.” I would have liked to get married, and I wanted to have a baby at least once. But I never really belonged here. I would have liked to solve life’s mysteries, but I guess not knowing is what makes it living. Maybe upon death, you suddenly know. Or, more possibly, your thoughts flee far away and complete and utter nothingness takes hold. At least I will never not get to find out what death is like.

I wonder what will happen this time around. All I hope is that its different than all the others.