I haven’t seen F for one and a half year, now. I have no idea about how he is, what his life looks like, if he is happy or not… Nothing. I’m regularly reminded that he exists, from common friends. It always removes me.

And then, each three or four months, he sends me an SMS, usually saying that, for some reason, he’s back to where we met, thinks about me, and would like to get news from me. I (well, usually) never answer them, but they remove me. And what infuriates me is that I always have the impression he didn’t move a single centimeter during the last year and a half. He still seems to believe I made a mistake and we could just get back together and be happy.

I don’t answer the SMS, I refuse to give any news, to establish contact. But I’m feeling ready for the day when we will meet by chance, which could happen any time. ^{And, of course, one part of me would like to meet him by chance, for I so would like to know what he lives, and also for I sometimes feel like it would allow… for something to be “solved”.}

And this morning I went and ran the 20 km of Paris. I knew he was running to, but then, 19 998 other people were. I was talking with a friend, before the race started, I raised my eyes, and… there he was, walking straight to me. Blood left my body, I thought “OK, it’s now, then”, and I faced him.

...and he walked along, without watching me. I kept watching him all the time, our eyes didn’t even meet, and I didn’t call him. I don’t know wether he saw me and ignored me, or didn’t see me at all. But I don’t think he would have walked that near if he had seen me and didn’t want to talk.

Weird it was. It was a bit like spying him, like having a glance at his life without him noticing it.

It didn’t remove me that much, and I do believe I will be more prepared if we (really, this time) meet by chance…