It finally dawned on me that I was about to be derailed, emotionally, mentally and physically. I don’t quite know what triggered it. Perhaps exhaustion, or the near insanity that came with yet another idiotic (armchair) commentary that floods my email from “well-meaning” colleagues.

It is not an overnight thing. I’ve been under mounting pressure lately and complete discretion has me tight-lipped on a lot of things. Unfortunately, I am yet to perfect the art of discretion. While the words do not escape my lips, the angst and anxiety are manifested in other ways. I’m having difficulty sleeping and every conscious thought revolves around work.

It has gotten so bad that I don’t even know what I’m actually feeling. The emotions are mixed like an unidentifiable potion. It’s hard to discern if it’s anger, depression or even sadness. At times, I’m overwhelmed by all three striking me simultaneously.

The fact that I am single amplifies this isolation. I don’t discuss work with my parents nor friends. Most of my closest friends are my colleagues and I am not able to confide in them with some of the stuff I know. Even sadder, I have been “advised” not to be too close to certain individuals. Apparently, I need to maintain a degree of impartiality, thus association with certain quarters will make me seem less “neutral”. I am still struggling with the validity of this statement.

A few days before Eid, I was up to my eyeballs with work. I persevered thinking the Eid holidays would mean some R&R too. Apparently I was mistaken. Eid turned out to be a very emotionally-draining episode for me. While I realised the importance of maintaining our family relations during such festivities, I was also sorely reminded that I needed some down time.. pronto! So when that didn’t happen, I dragged my sorry ass back to work feeling like I was running on empty.

I thought I needed a good cry, but for some (stupid) reason, i could not even muster a tear. In my head, that seems inexplicably sad. But in my heart, I deduced that perhaps it is not sheer frustration or that I’m subconsciously denying myself this luxury. Again, this conclusion remains elusive for now.

So in short, I’m a mess.. a nervous wreck waiting to implode (if not explode). The saving grace for now is a tentative plan to go away for 2 days with my best friend who is currently home for the holidays (she’s doing her PhD in the UK right now). We’ve agreed to go away and hang out (to catch up etc.) at some fancy resort this early November. Am yet to make reservations, but so far the plan seems intact. I hope to make the booking tomorrow.

I seriously hope this does the trick. I am up to my wits end and nothing brings me reprieve. Sadly, not even the comfort of my family and domestic life. My whole work issues are tipping the scale yet again leaving me feeling disenchanted and disengaged, from everything and everyone that was meaningful to me.

While I’ve tried to share my feelings with a few close friends, it is hard to be explicit. And this suppresses my anxiety even more. While my friends try their best to reassure me, their words ring hollow somehow. I suspect there’s something else, something deeper to this. I can’t quite put a finger on it. I just know that right now, I feel lost and empty. And nobody truly knows just how lonely I feel because of this. I have worn this mask for too long.. perfected the art of pretending I’m fine even if my insides feel crumpled and hollow. They won’t know cause I won’t tell them. I don’t believe they can help me cause even if they could, I don’t even know where to begin.