I was attending a seminary this morning. While leaving my coat in the cloakroom, I turned back to the entrance. There was F, standing. We stared at each other, and more or less bowed at each other, with a smile that meant “Oh, hello, you’re here and I’m recognising you”.

Then I got to the room and sat, happening to do so next to one of his collegue (which also is a friend of mine). F entered the room and, with a stare at me that meant “I’m sorry, but I have to do so”, he came to said collegue to say hello. I smiled to him and it meant “That’s OK, don’t worry”, and maybe also “Well, I’m glad to see you, or at least I’m not avoiding contact”.

Then F sat three meters far from me. He didn’t watch me a single time during the meeting. I did, a few times, but I don’t know if he noticed.

End of the seminary was approaching (it lasted two hours) and I was feeling very nervous, not knowing at all how to deal with this, what to do. Would I accept if he proposed me to go and have a drink together ?

Well, I went back to the cloakroom, and after getting my coat, turned to the elevators. There was F, with his collegue, waiting into one of them for the doors to close. I faced them, in a “I’m not fleeing you” way. But he was watching his feet, though he perfectly knew where I was standing. While the door was closing, his collegue saw me, wawed his hand at me, and that was it, they were gone.

So…

1. I have had kind of a butterfly in my stomach, for one hour, which didn’t really know wether it was dead or alive. It has gone now, and I’m feeling relieved. But I know I am still sensible to him. I have to pay attention to that. I still am not indifferent.

2. I won, for two reasons. He’s the one who (says he) wants to see me again, I’m the one who keeps avoiding him. We didn’t even exchange one word, and he didn’t try to. And I’m the one who faced him, though, and he’s the one who fled.

I’m seeing Mr. Sms tonight. That’s the right thing to do.