I once thought of leaving oboe and music behind me aside from chamber music and perhaps teaching. But more and more I’m moving further and further from this mind-set. I’m really enjoying the oboe right now and I’ve been practicing more and have forgotten how much I really miss that. I’m afraid that if I move away eventually and go into expressive arts therapy for grad school that I won’t have very many musical opportunities and it will be harder to stay involved in orchestra/chamber music if I’m not a music major. I’m almost tempted to go to grad school for music and get an expressive arts therapy certificate later. I’m also thinking about my reasons for moving away from music and most of them seem like weak reasons now. Everything seemed to happen all at once at that time. The main reasons were my pinched nerve problem. This really scared me and I was advised to take a break from oboe but I settled for taking it easy. But even taking it easy scared me because I couldn’t practice as much as I needed to/wanted to and I seriously started to question my career path. I was rather depressed in the evenings when all my friends were practicing and I had to sit out for the night. I started searching for other interests. I was also having a huge bully problem in my music classes. She made scathing comments about my technique and compared me other wind players and other musicians very unfavorably and told me (and anyone else who would listen) I shouldn’t be in music. I was especially sensitive because I had to lay off practicing and I knew I could do better. Her comments were cruel in any situation but with my pinched nerve and the depression that went along with it, I was just so sensitive about it. I don’t want to get into it more or even think about it anymore but it was pretty bad and I was rather sensitive. It didn’t mix well with my pinched nerve and my loss of agility. I guess the long story short is I took her seriously.

My quintet also had a nasty split at the time and I wasn’t really involved in that kind of chamber music setting since. Though I did have orchestra (with nice oboe parts) and solo music something was definitely missing. Chamber music is a very intimate interpersonal setting and I love it. I’ve already decided that chamber music has to be part of my life, even when I wasn’t thinking about going into music.

But it was around that time that I started thinking of a new career path. Granted I’ve had some great experiences since then, but I’ve ignored them and have been afraid follow this dream and in some sense I kind of gave up on music.

Part of it was my practical side looking for something else because my music career could have been in grave danger.

But now that I’m thinking back on it, I really can’t live without music. I’m thinking back to my depression and the reason it was so bad was because of what was at stake and how much it meant to be. I was deprived of doing something extremely meaningful to me and that’s why it was all so scary. My passion was there. I’m just wimpy. Why on earth should I let a grouchy bully scare me into not following my dreams?

Granted I do enjoy expressive arts therapy and I’d love to help people in this way. I’d like to do both this and music if possible but now I don’t know which one I want to make my main focus. It’s becoming less clear now that I’m realizing music still needs to play a very active role. Expressive arts is important too.

I almost need more time to decided. My hands are tied. I’m thinking twice before applying to grad schools.