What an amazing experience I had this weekend. I had planned to spend Saturday owning the parts of me that were convinced and afraid that I am Worthless and Not Enough. I was too resistant and depressed to even drag myself out of bed. Finally, I got a mirror from the bedside table and started. I went from anxious anticipation to face-distorting hatred to boredom so deep I could barely keep my eyes open to doubting I had the discipline or time to own these in a single day.
Out of nowhere, I had an image of my late husband and me walking to the Mountain View library on a misty day. There was such sweetness in that man and we loved each other so much. It truly was a great love, for all its tragic end. I watched myself in the mirror cover my mouth and cry. I still thought I hadn’t been enough to save our marriage and him. I thought about other times I’d acted as if I was worthless. Relationships where men treated me horribly and I was desperate for any attention. The gift of those memories is that I’ll never go back into a situation like that. Taking a wrong turn with a “friend” in the car and him holding a knife to my throat. It seemed so unimportant whether or not he cut or killed me. The gift of being worthless then was that because I didn’t react, he dissolved into tears and we talked about how he felt sick and unlovable.
Then I realized that feeling worthless was what allowed me to love the unlovable. My greatest gift – being able to love without judgment or restraint – is the child of Worthless and Not Enough. Because I had seen myself as the lowest of all humans, I was able to extend my love to people that others hated. I imagined someone calling me worthless and actually smiled and said out loud, “Thank God. Without worthless, I wouldn’t be willing to love the unworthy. What else have you got?”
I got free! Worthless and Not Enough don’t scare me anymore. I’ve been running from this fear for 26 years and on Saturday I sat in its hungry mouth and now it’s a kitten asleep in my lap. I’ve finally cleared a way for me to see that I am worthy and enough and valuable to this world. I slept for hours after I had this realization. I was husked out, exhausted and lighter than I’ve been for years. I finally GOT the point of owning my shadow instead of dismissing it or running from it or trying to prove that I’m not those characteristics. I finally understood from experience that there are great gifts in the characteristics that I try to deny.
When I added this goal, I had no idea how perfectly it would fit what I’m doing now. I’ve got more work to do, for sure, but this was a base fear and clearing it out has cleared my vision. I think that it wasn’t a coincidence that I also cleared out a year and a half worth of old magazines and catalogs and gave my bathroom sink and toilet a good scrub. I’m clearing out room for the angels who are replacing these monsters as my constant companions. Best of all, I’m doing it without hating or disrespecting the monsters, who in their own horrific way are my best teachers.
