This last time was the first time I actually thought I “wow, this is healthy and awesome and he’s great and I love him, and I think he loves me back, full steam ahead”
And by full steam ahead, I meant it emotionally. I’ve always held back just enough in relationships to have an out just in case. Similarly, I would sabotage it or run screaming in the other direction if someone tried to put a label a relationship. I would get the heebie jeebies if somehow I morphed into someone’s girlfriend as opposed to “that girl I’m seeing.” I didn’t feel an ounce of that this time. And we could talk to each other and we fit.

I’ve done some microscopic examining of the major conversations we had, trying to find some clue. Where did I miss a sign?
I’m coming up blank. I believed the words, because his actions backed them up.

Bottom line? The intensity that sustained me, and finally provided what I so desperately longed for was the source of anxiety for him. He was forced to do that real kind of soul searching where you can’t lie to yourself anymore because the stakes are too high.

Your last paragraph is right on though. It’s exactly what he did in the end. He knew when he could compromise, and when not to. It was his fundamental belief that he didn’t want to be a parent…ever. He didn’t want the responsibility, he likes his life the way it is and values his freedom. He decided that choosing to be with me would mean he’d end up either breaking my heart, or crushing his own. What a choice to have to make. I don’t envy it, and while I’ll probably disagree with his point of view forever, I certainly don’t blame him. He is who he is.

Hence my reminder to myself.

Don’t want kids? Ever? Sorry, probably not for me.

Is that something you should cover on the first date? :) I might need to know that in six years when I feel like leaving the house again. Perhaps by then, speed dating will have evolved to all the major life decisions covered in one date.