I’m basically not a very happy person, just to lay it out there. I’ve never really been too pleased in myself and I haven’t exactly ever taken pride in anything that I’ve done. But I’d like to change that. Ever since I can remember, I have always done what I thought others wanted me to or I’ve done things because of how I thought people would react. I’ve held myself back from actually living because I’ve been afraid of rejection or I’m not even sure what. I guess it really took hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I need a change. I just want to be someone else, someone happier, someone better. I’ve always taken crap from everyone else. I’ve let people push me around, and over time, all of this fear has caused me to change into something that I’m not happy with. I don’t like who I’ve become over the years. I want to be happy, no matter what it takes. So many people have told me, “you only live once”. And every time I hear it, it stings. It’s true, and yet I feel like there is some kind of barrier, holding me back from actually feeling anything, from actually doing anything with my life.
Recently, I’ve found myself losing touch with my friends, distancing myself even from my family. I can’t even relate to my “best” friends anymore. And now I realize it’s because I never could. I recently became close with someone who I thought I could trust. A so-called friend. Suddenly I realize that I’ve always known that I needed to get away from this scene, this environment. I mean, why be friends with people that just hurt me? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to change everything. Myself, my environment, and how I let others affect and treat me. I’m sick of waiting around for something to happen. I need to make things happen, and I won’t be able to by hiding behind this shield that I have put up for myself.