It’s sad, you’d have thought that it would have happened, thoughts would have clicked into place and i’d finally be done and the hate, pain and anger would all be gone. Unfortunately this really isn’t so.
Alot has happened, i went to uni in september, it was a really hard transition, i missed home alot, i missed him more, i started talking to him again, really talking, he was something that remained the same when everything around me had changed, i would stay up until three in the morning talking to him, and then we decided that i would go down to his uni for the weekend. Mistake number one. Of course we ended up sleeping togeher, me telling him i still loved him, he telling me that he always would (without actually saying the words) and then we i came to leave, me crying alot and missing him even more.
I didn’t speak to him after that for a couple of days, although i thought about him constantly. I then went home which i needed, i missed it like crazy. Then i went to see him again. Mistake number 2. We slept together again, this time it was horrible, it didn’t feel real, and by the morning he was acting very cold. This was when i found out that she was going to come up and visit. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and jumped on, it was insane. I went back to my uni.
A few weeks went by and we didn’t talk, it was like we wre both annoyed at each other, but for no reason. A month went by and i finally plucked up the courage to text him, he rang me and we talked, i found out they were together again, i was heartbroken.
It got to christmas, and we were talking about meeting up, we were still having explicit conversations even though they were together. He told me he was breaking up with her, in actual fact she broke up with him. He was heartbroken, and needed someone to talk to, he wanted to talk to me. Something inside me collapsed, i couldn’t listen to him pouring his heart out over her, he should’ve felt this way about me. I told him i needed space.
A couple of months went by, and i missed him like crazy, but was determined to stay strong, if i was going to live without him, i’d better get used to not talking to him.
I decided one day when i was feeling alone that i was being ridiculous, i could talk to him ifi wanted to, i was over him enough that i could control the relationship, he wouldn’t get the better of me. I text him and we began talking again.
Then, about two weeks ago, i found out they were back together, he’d quit uni and was always seeing her. He’d told her he loved her. It feels like my heart has been broken again, how can he love her? He said he’d always love me. Does he love her in the same way as he loves me? Have they slept together? So many questions are swirling in my head, and now they’re back together he doesn’t give a shit about me, why would he? After all, what am i to him, just a girl he thought he used to love? Someone who he could use, was reliable and always there when he needed them. Someone to have sex with. I feel useless and alone. I can’t make connections with anyone. I feel worse now, than i did back when this all started, because i feel like i’m never going to be over him. Will i ever be over him? It’s crazy, its nearly three in the morning, and over a year since we broke up, and i’m still obsessing over it all, i just havent any clue as to how to move on. Most of the time i think i’m better off alone, because then i can’t get hurt. I want someone else, but as soon as someone shows an interest, i find their faults. I compare them to him. I can’t make attachments to them because they aren’t him. This is insane. I am insane.