Lately, I’ve been focused on current events that are pointing to a food crisis worldwide. It saddens me in the deepest parts of me that there are people rioting in the streets over the prices of rice and other grains. Today, I decided to have a chat with my sweetheart man about this topic, when at the same time I got a sales email from an online retailer who is running a big grocery sale. These are the events that ensued, as best as I can recollect:

24. I drowned my sweetheart man until he succumbed to a watery abyss.

I thought it best to have a discussion with my guy to figure out what to stock up on this grocery sale, especially since one of his childhood favorites were included in the sale.

I should preface, that I am quite accustomed to doing what I call, “retail math”. Take the price, subtract 15%, subtract 20%, compare whether that is better or worse than applying a $10 instant rebate, because both offers cannot be stacked. Make this calculation in real-time because the competition against time, resources and the wolf at the door is deafening to me.

When I was back in Florida, post-storm, I could easily spend hours each day scouting for food, water, gas, and/or cooking fuel. These evaluations were made during instants as money changed hands at the backs of trucks, or wherever supplies could be had, as the case may be. I learned to think fast on my feet and how to assess the merits and weaknesses of a deal more quickly than the seller betting against me.

Unfortunately, I forget that this can be overwhelming to someone who has not had to do this for their supper, much less for months/years on end.

Honey, slow down. I’m looking it up on the other place, to compare the price.

Oh, ok honey, but then you have to factor in the 15% on top of the 20%, but subtract the 15% first, did you do that?

No, honey, you’re going faster than I am. I’m trying to keep up, dear.

I’m sorry, babe. I’ll slow down….

Then, apparently I did not slow down but instead sped up. This degenerated into a conversation that was peppered with phrases such as:

I guess I’m not giving you the data fast enough, I’m sorry, with a tinge of bitterness.

Sorry? Not fast enough? Who said that? I asked.

You did, because you just kept speeding up. Ach, I need to lay down!

I hear a ker-flump and a long-suffering sigh. I wait and listen for more signs of life.

I love you, dear, a very tired and headachy-sounding boyfriend utters through the phone line to me.

All I hear is:

Tilt?!

Glug, glugggg!

Apparently, I drowned him in oatmeal … visiting hours are restricted whilst he makes a tenuous recovery….

_{sorry dear!}