I just told my ex that I want to die. What the hell that’ll achieve I don’t know… but I haven’t really got anyone else to talk to- my life has fallen to pieces. I wish I’d never met him because I used him as a shield to protect me from my life and what was happening in it and now there’s no shield and I’m standing on my own and having to deal with it. And I’m not dealing at all. I’m just wallowing and drowning and getting more and more sick.

This too shall pass I guess. But… I wish I could get happier sooner. I wish something happy would come my way to snap me out of it.

I keep saying I’ve gotta rebuild my life but I just cut ties with one of the people who’s been there for me through everything because she told my ex that I’m not well, a thing she knew in confidence. She told him I’ve not been eating properly and that I’ve lost a lot of weight. All true but absolutely none of his business and that’s the reason he phoned me again. Not because he felt like he wanted to but because he wanted to check I wasn’t going to go and die or something.

I hate him. I hate her for gossipping about me. But mostly I hate myself because mostly it’s all my fault.