screaming, or crying, or something… as if that would help me get rid of whatever is creating chaos inside me.

Instead, nothing happens, and I feel a restlessness I can’t begin to describe. I want to get rid of everything. At this point, I could even give up photos and letters… the most precious possessions.

What can this possibly mean? While it seems like letting go, I think it might be the opposite. A most severe thought of self-punishment instead of turning anything over to God.

I need to allow myself to truly need Him…

There is so much love, and joy, and beauty. And I just can’t seem to accept that it is o.k. that any of it be for me.

But seeing, and touching, and believing it is there, and knowing that it is only myself who keeps it just out of my reach is becoming far to painful to endure… I have to find how to allow it… I have to surrender…

It is terrifying not to know how, knowing full well it should be the simplest of things to do.