melissa You want to fight about it?

act like an adult this time around (read all 7 entries…)
After decades of denial, I can now admit that my problem is that I am, in fact, a spoiled brat. 19 months ago

It’s true. Melissa likes to have her way ALL THE TIME. I’ve always kind of held on to this misguided belief that I was really accommodating and whatnot, but seriously, I’m not. I’m beginning to realize that I’m easygoing when I get my way. All the other times? Not so much.

Now that I’ve recognized this behavior, it should, in theory, be somewhat easy to correct, right? Uh…no, not really. Last night was a perfect example of this. Christopher and I were just chillin’ on the couch when he started to turn on this TV show he watches. Now, I’m not going to say what it is, but it’s something a man of his intelligence should be above. Was there something else on I had been planning on watching? No. Did I think he was ignoring me? Nope. I just hate that show. So I picked up a book and thought “Look at you, Melissa. You’re being so accommodating and sweet.” That’s what I thought. Then I noticed I wasn’t really reading at all. It was like I was staging some kind of dumb silent protest.

And apparently acting like a brat is contagious!

Before long, we were both silent and surly for no good reason. Then he started prodding. “What’s wrong? Want to watch something else? Is something the matter?” And then he dropped the bomb on me – “I know you hate this show, but I just kind of wanted us to do it together.” Fuck…I hate losing. I mean, do I honestly think my boyfriend is super-psyched to be making plans with me to see the “Sex and the City” movie? Ehhh…probably not. But he’s going to do it anyway – and gladly!

In summation, compromising is a bitch and I hate it but I think I need to start doing a bit more of it.

May 22, 2008, 07:50AM PDT | 9 cheers


Comments:

JudithKD 4 of 6030 things gone this year! jkd

Compromising is a bitch

and we all hate it!

We all want to have our way all the time, we just learn to squelch it, mostly.

Or at least that’s my observation. You probably really do already know this.

What’s the easiest thing about interviewing people? Getting them to talk about themselves. We ALL want to talk about ourselves, and not listen.

Isn’t it the same thing in a way?

If you can do it with interviews, that is, put yourself aside for some time for a reason, i.e., the purpose of the interview, you can likely do it in your personal life too, don’t you think?

((hugs))

jkd

May 22, 2008, 03:42PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

melissa You want to fight about it?

Definitely.

I know I can compromise, and when I do it consciously, I don’t normally have a problem with it. It’s just that it’s somehow become ingrained in my head that I am always right. Of course, most of the time, I am (haha…), but I know I need to make more of an effort to consciously compromise – even if it means watching something that makes me feel dumber by the second. :)

May 23, 2008, 11:13AM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

GangstaVizier is eagerly anticipating Yosemite in August!

I have

a little bit of difficulty here too. I also like to let people know what a sacrifice I’m making in compromising especially in the circumstances you noted. :)

May 23, 2008, 05:02PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

melissa You want to fight about it?

Damn straight.

And when you really think about it, that’s not really compromising at all, is it? It’s giving up and then whining about it. :)

May 23, 2008, 05:31PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

GangstaVizier is eagerly anticipating Yosemite in August!

Yes

and I can’t lie…I do like my whining, unless someone else is doing it. :)

May 23, 2008, 06:08PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Who doesn't? - melissa
Ditto - GangstaVizier
Today's work high(?)light - melissa
Seems - GangstaVizier
If by tiptoeing, you mean sneaking... - melissa

JudithKD 4 of 6030 things gone this year! jkd

Hmmm.

My only comment is to say that at least I got used to it. At some point, I decided that preserving the relationship was worth more than “me” getting things my way all the time.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have opinions, wishes, desires, etc., I do. But at some point I got to where I chose my battles.

DH has to listen to NPR in the am, which makes me rather nutty…I can’t stand being talked to about bad news before coffee…I just leave the room. He has tinninitus and can’t stand to work in silence with his ringing ears first thing in the a.m.

My need is psychological; his is physiological, both are important. Our usual compromise is that HE makes the coffee (and listens to the radio)downstairs and then brings me coffee, upstairs. This puts both of us into a better mood. I don’t have someone yabbering at me first thing in the morning with bad news and he doesn’t have his ears ringing first thing either.

That sounds easy…huh? I don’t remember how many years it took before we got there; we’ve been together 30 years now and married 28 next month.

From what you said above, I’d guess that you’re still at the stage where you do everything together, we’ve long stopped that too. I don’t like everything he does, nor he what I like. That’s ok. Part of the relationship is that I require him to participate as little as possible in the things that don’t interest him, and he does the same for me.

Can you read a book while Christopher watches whatever? Listen to an ipod? Play on the net? Because he chooses to watch whatever, there’s no particular reason you have to.

Choosing the relationship over your personal needs for small things means that when you do say, “I can’t do that, or I won’t do that.” you have a much stronger case for expecting that you’ll prevail, this time.

Or, like the ipod or reading idea above, find a compromise you both can live with? That’s what we did with the early morning radio/coffee conflict, it just took us a while to find the right mix.

I’ve never tried to articulate this process before, so this is clumsy as all get out, and I apologize.

After so many years together, we (usually) know by tone of voice or other behaviors when something is a

HEY YOU…THIS IS IMPORTANT…PAY ATTENTION HERE! item

and when it’s simply a stated preference.

I haven’t thought about how we do this at all, except when we blow it. That’s almost always because one of us expected the other to know something without being told, a dangerous assumption.

Please excuse the rambling. If there’s something in there that’s useful, I’m glad, but I apologize for the lack of clarity!

jkd

May 23, 2008, 05:43PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

melissa You want to fight about it?

I thought it was

perfectly sensible.

You were spot on about how we’re still in the stage of doing everything together, and I know that’s not going to last too long. I’m just trying to learn how to compromise on the little things so I’ll have a bit of practice in when the big things need a bit of negotiation. :)

May 23, 2008, 06:23PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

JudithKD 4 of 6030 things gone this year! jkd

Sensible.

I think at the “everything together” stage, you’re building “us.” After that’s solidly built, you don’t need to be together all the time, or at least that was true with us.

My ex and I never managed that. We were together or not, all the way. If he was with me, we were a couple, almost always.

Good luck…

((hugs))

jkd

May 24, 2008, 04:16AM PDT | Respond to this 1 cheer

CitaLia has discovered Six Sentences!

Good entry, Melissa

One of the great but simple truths I have been embracing lately is that we all do what we want to do when we want to do it. I have argued it up and down and sideways, but even parenthood can’t disprove this theory. If we compromise with a partner IT IS BECAUSE WE WANT TO for whatever reason. When we begin to apply this to other people… they do what they want to do when they want to do it… SHOCK!!!!! Whole new light!

May 30, 2008, 06:32AM PDT | Respond to this 1 cheer


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