I wasn’t really sure what goal to file these thoughts under, whether this was a random thought under “just wanted to say” or ideas about figuring about how to fake something to be successful. It’s sort of in between. My thoughts relate to some things I have been thinking about since I was invited several weeks ago (with another friend) to visit a friend at his house (someone I viewed as one of my two closest friends and believe it or not in three years we’d never been to each other’s places before). During the visit I saw a side of his life that I never got to see before, and it made me realize how much I really don’t know about him and that I’m really not such a significant part of his life or at least not as significant as he is to me. I don’t know why I should care so much about it, but I find that I do. I guess this is the way it is with most people I’ll ever meet, but it doesn’t mean that I want it to be like that. I hardly have friends and I always want to be closer than I ever seem to be able to get, and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be and I need to learn to be comfortable with it. I just haven’t learned how yet. Keeping yourself further than you want to be is faking, I guess.

When I arrived for the visit, my friend’s wife greeted me, quite pleasantly enough, suggesting having a vague recollection of having met me before which she had. Of course, I appreciate she doesn’t have the familiarity with me that her husband has, but I felt like she was speaking for the both of them in saying I was like a neighbor down the street that you smile and wave hi to occasionally and nothing more, like he didn’t give her the idea that I was in any way more significant to him than that and he didn’t even talk to me much during the visit. I realize I’m being totally selfish in caring so much about my own significance to someone else, and I feel guilty for thinking this way.

My life is very different from his; I don’t have a family and don’t come from the same culture as he does, so it sort of made me wonder if, no matter how well I got along with him or what things I shared with him or he shared with me, I could ever really connect with someone like that in a deep way. I feel like no matter how close I think the relationship I think I have with this person is, it could never be as special to him as any relationship he may have with someone in his particular situation or who comes from the same culture as he. Whatever element of closeness I thought there was, it felt like it was really an illusion, that I read more into it that what’s there. When I was in his house, I felt like I was a stranger and that I was intruding on his family’s life. I know that’s natural when I’m not acquainted well with his whole family, but I didn’t want to feel it from him. I don’t know why I felt like I was really nobody to this person or not more than just someone he might have a passing interest in but who is not a close, regular part of his life. Maybe this is all in my head and me projecting my own insecurities onto the situation, but I don’t know, I should really just be happy that he invited me into his house at all and was willing to allow me to see this other side of him and maybe he’ll let me see more of it…

I have a very hard time relating to people, and it’s rare that I find someone I think I can connect with. The relationship I thought I had with this person was among the two most significant I had. I would think of this person like family or even more important than family because I believe that the connections you build that aren’t tied to blood or blind obligation (like the relationships you might have siblings or extended relatives which often involve blind obligation) are the most real and special that can be. I don’t know anyone who has my way of thinking on this…

I don’t know how to deal with the idea that you could mean something to someone but not nearly as much as they mean to you. How do you let it go? I only ask this rhetorically because I know there’s not an easy solution and no one can answer this satisfactorily. Maybe it’s just me, and it’s nobody else’s problem; maybe I don’t connect with anyone because I’m a selfish jerk. That’s a possibility, but I’m not sure. I’m inside my own head most of the time that I can’t see myself clearly. If I could just figure this out, I think I would be less scared and less likely to close myself off from meeting and getting close to people and be okay with giving people their space. Still, I don’t want anybody to mean anything to me if I can’t mean the same thing back to them. I would be better off if I changed this way of thinking…