Home life has gotten worse recently. The other week – Tom had been staying at his dad’s near here for the weekend and we decided to meet up on the monday before he went back home. He ended up staying the night, which I guess wasn’t a surprise. But I needed him especially. And after that night we decided to both go back, cos I wanted to get away from here and couldn’t stand to be away from him.
So anyways – we were in my room after coming back from the cinema. My dad knocks and I open the door after shouting hang on lol. He talks about changing some cable for my tv so we could hopefully get a better picture for one channel, even though he’d said it wasn’t our problem before. He’s talking to Tom and me, asking if he’d help. Then mentions he meant tomorrow. I correct him and say he’s not staying. So he says if he went and got the thing today, would he do it. I was a little annoyed he was interrupting our time together and asked why Tom had to be around for it to be done and could we leave it. I just wanted to make the most of our time, not knowing he’d be staying.
He gets annoyed at me for some reason and flips. I said I needed the toilet and walked away, he goes into his room and we hear him swear. When mum got home we heard them arguing. We were laying on my bed, him comforting me and me trying to block the noises out because I knew I’d want to try and listen in. Dad comes stomping up the stairs, swings my door open with no warning, shouts angrily at us “thank you and goodnight” and slams it shut again. He goes up and down the stairs a couple times and then I hear him drive off in the car. We soon find out he’s also pulled the plug on the internet, which I find just childish. He doesn’t come back that night (that’s never happened before), comes back at 11 am, just before we left. I walk into the living room where he was, put my bag down and get my coat. He apologises to me, I totally ignore him, not wanting to accept the apology as it’s not the first time he’s flipped on me.
The past 2-3 weeks I’ve spent mostly with Tom, only spending the weekend he was at his dad’s, and one night earlier this week here. He’s just gone back home after we’ve been looking after his mum’s house for a few days, and he starts work tomorrow. I have no idea when I’m next going to see him. He’s my home now. This place never was, and never will be my home. I want to be with him permanently. We both want to. The goodbyes are just getting harder.
I see a way out of this rut I’ve been in, and yet I can’t just grab it, cos of course there’s complications. We want to be together and I can’t stand to live here anymore. I can’t start looking for a job here, cos it ties me to this place and I can’t pick up and go see him when I want or need to. The thing is, I can’t really move in with him and his housemates, because he has the smallest room. It’s not fucking fair. I don’t know what I’m meant to do. I’m happy when I’m around him, but right now I feel lost. Like my life is on hold till I’m with him for real.
