(Names have been changed to protect identities)
There is this girl who means everything to me. I want nothing more than to be with her forever. I would do anything to be with her except sell my soul, but I have thought about it… I know it wouldn’t be worth it, but it seems very appealing at times. I don’t know how long I can go on. She is all I ever think about from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep, and when I do fall asleep she haunts my dreams. It all began with a girl named Lisa. My best friend Dante introduced me to her. She claimed to be in love with him, but I believe it was only obsessive infatuation. At some point I started to develop feelings for this girl. They weren’t strong at first, but they grew over time. At the same time, her feelings for Dante grew. Dante felt nothing for her in the romantic sense. The three of us were the best of friends, inseparable. This situation created tension at times. Dante knew about Lisa’s feelings for him, and she knew about his lack of them. Despite the way I felt for her, I tried to help her. I only wanted her to be happy. My efforts were in vain. Eventually I told her how I felt. Upon hearing this news she made me the promise, “I’m not going to date anybody right now, even if Dante were to ask me out tomorrow, I would say no.” I don’t know what made her say this. It was probably pity. The next day Dante told me about how they were together. Needless to say, I was irate. However, I valued my friendship with them above all else, so I continued being friends with both of them. This was incredibly painful. Shortly after they became a couple, I began cutting myself. I didn’t advertise this and the only people that knew discovered it by accident. The first to discover this was Lisa, who saw it on my arm when I was at her house one day. She promised me that she wouldn’t tell anybody. The next day I was confronted by all of my closest friends. They all found out from Lisa.
It didn’t take long for Lisa to figure out why I was doing it, and at first she seemed remorseful for her actions. She continuously asked my why I was doing this because of her and I tried to tell her that it was the only way I could stop thinking about her, but she never seemed to understand. I now realized that she just enjoyed hearing it. After a while, she became jaded and anytime I seemed depressed, she automatically assumed that I would cope with my problems using this method. She was right, but I never gave her any information that gave her a right to make this assumption. Whenever she suspected that I was going to cut myself she would be angry and tell me that she didn’t care what I did and even stooped so low as to tell me that she hoped I would cut myself. These things were said in anger, so I don’t know whether they can be taken seriously or not. However, if she was around Dante and the subject came up she would begin to cry, apologize, and beg me to stop. A couple months went by and Dante broke up with her. It wasn’t long before he began dating someone else, and three days later Lisa all of a sudden decided that we needed to date. At this time I had been chasing after her for about five or six months. I should have seen what was going on and realized that she was just trying to use me to get back at Dante. She wanted to make him jealous and take her back, but I continued to lie to myself and pretend she cared about me. Dante, who knew how much she meant to me, no longer had feelings for her and was happy for me. He was especially glad that because of this, I would stop cutting myself.
I did stop cutting myself. For three days. After three days she realized that her plan wasn’t going to work and she broke up with me. This, even though my friends never stopped warning me, completely blindsided me. When this happened, all of her friends were pissed off at her. Amy, her best female friend, and a very close friend of mine with whom I grew up, was never more angry about anything. She stopped being friends with Lisa. This hit Lisa as hard as the break-up hit me. After a week of being forsaken by Amy, she started dating me again. This time it lasted a week. After the second break-up Amy never spoke a kind word to her again. I’ve never had a more loyal friend.
Everyone I knew continuously told me that I needed to move on. They said all of the usual cliché things that one would expect. That there are other fish in the sea, and it’s always darkest before the dawn. You know. And I tried. I really did. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t care about anybody else. At this point I’m sure you are beginning to think that this girl successfully ruined my life. Well, she took pleasure in ruining not only my life, but the lives of all of her other friends as well. The way she went about this is an entirely different story. The point is, she stabs everyone in the back, leaving nothing but despair in her destructive wake. Not only me but, Amy, Dante, and any other friend she has ever had. Over time, the people that I’m friends with stopped being friends with her for this reason.
At some point I became friends with a girl named Rose. I first started talking to her about the same time this whole thing with Lisa began. Not frequently though. I would have a conversation with her on facebook from time to time every couple of months. After the the situation I was in with Lisa had been going on for about eleven months I started talking to Rose more frequently. Mostly through text messaging and facebook. The more I talked to her, the more I realized we had in common. I started to realize how incredibly cool she is and after about a week of getting to know her on a more personal level than before, we started dating. I knew through the conversations that we had in the past that her relationships hadn’t exactly been great. In fact, she was in an almost identical situation to my own. I had only seen her in person a few times in the mall, but from the first time I saw her I always thought that she was incredibly beautiful. If I hadn’t been wrapped up in Lisa and actually considered dating her before I started talking to her and realizing the things we have in common I would have given up before I started trying because I would have thought that she was way out of my league. I started to care about her a great deal in a very short amount of time. This is the part of the story that becomes extremely difficult to tell, and it has already been difficult up to this point so I’m going to stop here for now. This is also because I have been up for 3 days now due to my insomnia. If I could only stop thinking about her… But, this is the part where I attempt sleep.
Part 2- Every Rose has its thorns
So much has happened to me since the last time this was updated… I feel like a completely different person. Like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I feel like I live every day looking through the eyes of a stranger. Do I feel like a different person, or do I still feel like a person at all? What is this horrible monster that was lurking inside of me all this time, and how did it get so out of control?
September 4, 2007 marks the beginning of the end. On that day I began a relationship with Rose. It was the happiest week of my life. As I write this, it is June 22, 2011. Its about six a.m. Another sleepless night. I still see her face every time I close my eyes. But I digress. To continue the story, like a dumbass, I broke it off. I don’t know what was going through my head. I had to go somewhere to do something that isn’t relevant to the story. What is relevant is that Lisa had to go do the same thing at the same place at the same time. This is after Rose and I had been together for only a single week. Before leaving my house I had talked to Lisa and planned to meet her so that she could lead me on for a little while. Thats not the way she put it, but after a year of this, I already knew the routine. So, before I left, I terminated that which I would later come to realise was more precious to me than mountains of gems or limitless power. This decision would inevitably lead to the loss of my soul. That night I began yet another relationship with Lisa. Blah, blah, some small amount of time passes and then one particular event comes to my mind. As Lisa and I sat in the food court of the mall the paraphrased version of what she said to me goes a little something like this:
“I know that ex-boyfriend is in town and I don’t know what anyone has said to you, but there is no way that I am going to break up with you for him.”
This, of course, immediately causes me to think that she is going to break up with me for him. I knew that he was in town, but this never crossed my mind until she said it. So, when she did exactly that a couple of days later I wasn’t exactly suprised. Somewhere between relationship number two with her and relationship number one with Rose there was another short fling. This makes relationship number 4 that she had ended between us, and this time, I no longer felt sad. It was almost as if as she spoke, a burden was lifted from me. My body language obviously reflected such because I distinctly remember her saying in a frustrated tone, “How can you be so cavalier about this!? UGH!” with the “ugh” being especially pronounced and elongated. I laughed in her face. And all of the passion I had felt up until this point suddenly turned into an equal amount of hatred. The day I ended the relationship I had with Rose, after I left my house, I cried until I reached my destination. I didn’t understand the magnitude of my actions, but somehow I knew I would never make a decision that would have a more devastating impact on my entire life. But what had I done this for? A relationship with a girl that never really cared about anyone but herself that I knew would be as fleeting as a dream? Why? Rose cared for me and I broke her heart. And if there was anything I could ever do to make it up to her I would spend the rest of my life trying, no matter how impossible the task. It can never be so, however. That single decision changed everything. I went on to date her again, only this time, it was different.
It was almost like it didn’t seem real. At least for her. Its like she was trying, only, her heart wasn’t in it. I knew that if nothing else she wanted to be my friend, but… So after about a week, she broke up with me. Karma is bitch isn’t it? I won’t say that I couldn’t believe it. Believing it didn’t make it any less painful. I made a promise to her before we ever dated the first time that I would never cut myself again, and I never broke it. When this break up happened, I didn’t speak to her for a few weeks but then we gradually became friends again. It seems like her romantic feelings for me were gone after the first break up, but after that, our friendship was also… changed is the best word I can come up with. Contaminated? By what I cannot say. Adulterated? I don’t know. One thing that she stressed until the end is that she would always be there for me no matter what. But she didn’t seem as open. I couldn’t really get her to talk to me about anything. She didn’t trust me. It was my own fault. I knew that, but I wished for away to change it so desperately. For a way to put an end to awkward silences that never used to incarnate the way they did now.
I went on to date Rose again, this time feeling like it was out of pity. I love her. I couldn’t say no. Nor did I want to. I feel like everytime we got together and split up, grapeshot spewed into our relationship. Not as a couple, but as two human beings. Things just kept getting worse. She was colder this time than she ever was before and I was at a loss. When this relationship ended we went on to share one more that I manipulated my way into in an act of desparation, telling myself how things would be different. Well they weren’t. It seemed like she was avoiding me during this time. I was hurt. I guess not much had changed. I sent her a text message asking, “Why the fuck are you doing this to me?” I don’t remember what she said but she wasn’t happy. To this day I still have the tattered Dear John she gave me. It was the only time she ever ended it this way.
It’s not your fault I’m acting like this. I told you I am stressed, and I have a lot on my mind. I really think it was extremely un-called for to send me that text message. I really don’t see how I am going to get along with you, especially staying under one roof.
I think you are a great guy, and any girl would be lucky to have you, but I think we’ll just be better as friends. Again, It’s really not your fault. My emotions are so screwed up its not even funny. You can be immature about this, or you can be the guy I know you can be and be friends with me, either way its your choice, but, I have to do something for me, and thats finding myself. I’m sorry how I answered you message as rude as I did but, I was just caught off guard. You don’t have to talk to me or anything; just know that I’m always here for you no matter what. Even if you hate me. I realized I need to make myself happy before I try to make everyone else. I apologize for everything, sorry I put you through all of this.
I wish I could say that I continued to be her friend after that but the pain was just too overbearing. I still think about her everyday, and some memories, it seems, will never fade. I went on to start smoking pot, taking pills of every flavor, drinking alcohol, you name it. But I can only black out in the present. Short term memory will leave far more readily than trauma. This is the monster I spoke of. I often wonder where my innocence is gone. But now I am nothing more than a husk. I feel somewhat psychotic. I have no conscience. No decision that I make ever feels like a bad one to me thought this may just be by comparison. I barely feel anything at all any more… Not to say that I don’t have emotions, but they are shallow to the point of worthlessness. If I hear the most exciting news I have ever heard, I still won’t really be that excited about it. And if something pisses me off, I forget that it happened before I have a chance to hold a grudge. Its as if the only time I ever feel anything real is when I’m thinking of her, and then what I feel is overwhelming, burning in the pit of my stomach…
I have bathed in euphoria, but one thing I’ll always remember is a single passionate kiss on the downslope of our roller coaster that made me feel more elated than all of the dope I could ever smoke. I don’t know if she meant it or not, but it felt like it to me. I spent several years chasing a high that I knew was unattainable because the source was so far out of my reach. Now I don’t even know what my question is, but I have turned to entheogens in hopes of finding the answer, if not because any time I see her, whether it be, every time I close my eyes, or a vivid hallucination, its always worth it to me.
“Why do things that matter the most,
Never end up being what we chose?
Now that I find no way so bad,
I don’t think I knew what I had.”