It’s Sunday. There’s nothing on my ‘have to’ list, and everything on my ‘could do’ list. This should be a good thing, methinks, but I’m finding myself in that all too-familiar rut of not really wanting to do any of my ‘things’. Argh!! I mean, there are SO many things I want to achieve in my life, and yet on a quiet, rainy Sunday, I can’t seem to muster the smallest bit of enthusiasm! These are supposed to be my life goals, and yet not one of them would have me jumping out of bed with a passion to work on them. Bleugh.

What’s my problem? Largely I am just lazy. Life has become that list of ‘should be doings’: exercise, study, dragging myself to do something. I hate feeling like this – I’m WAY more sensible and everything, surely?!!

I need to work on it, obviously. Everything is either long-term, or doesn’t seem particularly important. Sure, I could sit and finish a card within the hour, but that’s not important. Or I could study – but I won’t see results for months or years. Heck, even the ‘phew’ of passing my exams didn’t exactly feel like a pinnacle of achievement, as I’d started slogging through the next lot.

Gawd, this is not a good mood to find yourself in of a morning, is it?! Caught between telling myself to just go do, and that bleugh feeling that it’s all just going through some set of motions. Eeep!

I wonder… is being stuck in limbo with job stuff behind at least some of this? Am I chipping away at some small edges, while the big picture is ignored? Or am I just swamped with too much choice, of things that won’t make any immediate difference?

edit
I think I might have figured this out. For one thing, I am tired which never helps. But looking at my list of things – and not just ‘shoulds’, fun stuff, too – I’m not seeing anything I’m good at. Studying I’m muddling through with no feedback, and totally unable to do the tutorials designed for the unix computer lab with another person (grr!). Card making has produced a few disasters recently, which is off-putting, and I haven’t had many new ideas. I really do want to do the website stuff, but am constantly hitting my lack of knowledge: what hosting package do I recommend, what site?

It’s hard to get enthusiastic about stuff when most of it makes me feel like I don’t entirely know what I’m doing. And I hate that feeling! And yes, work is a big part of that: I don’t like what I’m doing, I’m facing interviews and newness, and things I’m not going to be very good at. I love learning, I do, but it’d be good to have something I was good at NOW, rather than the multitudes of learning and ‘to make progress with’.