at the last weigh in, so i might not have to go to hospital if i keep this up, but ive been thinking alot of dark thoughts recently which might hold me back.

I wont share any of the thoughts here though incase they’re triggering or anything, but i have thought about the roots of my disorder:

-2 people close to me passing away when i was young, and i remember thinking i ‘want to suffer their cancer for them’,

-In the last 2 years, 4 other people have died, one of them i went to school with,

-addiction to the ‘high’ you get,

-always being the ‘nice/funny/best friend but nothing more,

-guilt for a good friend’s eating disorder,

-guilt and jelousy over other things,

-perfectionism over very trivial things such as writing, hair, clothes, i didnt used to care if i looked like a dick, but to me i was nearly perfect except for something else, you all know what.

-my (past) marijuana use being restricted by society

-maybe just growing up too fast in this nice modern world of friends being stabbed, muggings, gangs, drugs, dickheads who always wanna fight….. and this is something i can (or thought i could) control.

and the list goes on.