reflecting today, wondering why this is taking so long, why this feels so difficult….the relationship wasn’t good, it was bad at times, toxic at times. and it’s not like i was a total angel, I did my share of throwing emotional tantrums and trying to pressure him into family and parenthood. But, the sex was bad, I mean, just not what I want, ever again. And he stopped kissing me over a year before I left. I can’t believe I lasted as long as I did. But he was in pain, he was ill, he was stressed out, he was focused on his career, all those excuses somehow allowed me to feel justified in staying in a state of paralysis. I’m not proud when I look back and see my fear of acting, my fear of biting the bullet. But I do have compassion for myself, for wanting to be loved, for wanting to hope that things could turn around (when he felt better, after he had his surgery, when his work settled down etc.) The thing is doesn’t life just keep getting complicated? Me waiting for conditions to improve is laughable! I’m sure anyone looking in from the outside could have easily spelled things out for me, but I was hooked, I had fallen in love and I had this vision of us as a family and of us growing old, and it was such a pretty dream, I didn’t want to take that picture down off the wall. But I did the right thing, I can look myself in the mirror now and have self respect, that was ultimately why I finally left, I could feel myself slipping into some other realy, and I knew I was above that, I knew I could do better, I knew I could take back the reigns of my life and live with respect even if that means being alone. I am proud of myself for doing the right thing. I will thank myself over and over again for this year of letting go, moving on, and starting over.