cake. on have a healthy relationship in which love is equally given and received on 43 Things

xochitl213 loves the Phillies :)

have a healthy relationship in which love is equally given and received (read all 6 entries…)

cake. 11 months ago

one problem with this goal. i have always, always, my whole life, wanted to have my cake and eat it too. i have ALMOST never had a relationship where i didn’t cheat at least once, and want to a whole lot more. i am totally okay with this; i just wish the people i date would be as okay with it.
the question arises, though: is it healthy? what exactly is the definition of a healthy relationship? do i just have to grow up a little bit and suddenly that settle down instinct will kick in? i’ve been waiting to grow up for years now. i’m out of college, i lived with a guy for well over a year, and he’s completely ready to marry me and treat me like the best thing since sliced bread for the rest of his life. what’s wrong with me? is it that i haven’t found the right person, or is that life just not for me?
when i was making this goal, i was careful not to write anything about monogamy or (much less) marriage, but i am questioning my own beliefs that a relationship can be healthy without that kind of commitment. what do you think?

Jul 24, 2008, 09:40PM PDT | 1 cheer

Comments:

Adar is getting stuff DONE!

When you say...

that you “want more” the question that comes to mind is “more of what?”

What do you really want out of life? What do you want your life to look like 5, 10, 20 years from now?

NOT “what do others expect of you” but what do you WANT? And (very importantly!)what are you willing to give up for what you want?

Nothing is free. All our choices have consequences. It is always important to ask yourself, what will this choice cost me, and am I OK with THAT?

[This is what I wish someone had said to me about 30 years ago. The questions are important and universal; honest answers to them will be highly personal.]

Jul 27, 2008, 03:14PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this 4 cheers

xochitl213 loves the Phillies :)

so,

Well, what I said was that I cheated a little and wanted TO [cheat] a whole lot more. But beside that point, your response is thought-provoking.

A few years ago I came to the realization that I am the most important person in my own life. It sounds like common sense, but a LOT of people never realize it. Now, that’s not to say I’m selfish – I’m a teacher, for Christ’s sake – but I pretty much do what I want to when I want to in terms of things like eating, drinking, and kissing. I just feel like if I’m dancing with someone and that really hot song about scandalously hooking up with someone comes on, and I feel like kissing him, why the hell shouldn’t I? Because of someone else? That just sounds like nonsense to me (by the way, this happened really recently and started world war three in my relationship). Anyway, I digress…

The thing I have always wanted to do with my life is travel. It’s not important for me to have the same job my whole life, or anything like that, but I would like to live in many different countries and learn new languages and cultures. It is very hard to be away from my family (I had to say goodbye to my grandmother forever via Skype), but it is worth it. I have yet to meet someone that is interested enough in me to deal with my desire to travel. I have a fantastic guy in Philadelphia who says he is willing to travel with me, but it’s really just because he hates to be without me; it is killing him right now. It’s not what he REALLY wants in life and in a relationship. It also kills him that I send the (possibly true) message that traveling the world is more important to me than my relationship with him (or anyone). Is that a horrible thing to say?

It’s also worth noting that I really do have a fear of commitment, and I’m not sure why. My boss in Chile is going to ask me very soon if I’m planning on staying another year, and my head has been spinning with the question since I got here. I think I would like to, but I’m scared to death of the commitment of it. I think I also fear that if I did get married, I wouldn’t be able to commit to that. I really have a lot of respect for the idea of marriage and I really don’t want to fuck it up.

Sigh. I don’t know. When I tell people I’m so far from being ready to settle down, they say, “well, you’re young”. But when I drank like a fish in college they said, “well, you’re in college” and now I’m in a serious struggle with my drinking habits. Are there other people out there that just seriously don’t ever want to settle down and are pretty content with that? I’d love to hear from you.

Jul 27, 2008, 03:36PM PDT | Thread | Respond to this

Adar is getting stuff DONE!

Reading this carefully...

I have to wonder why you want to be in a relationship, since a relationship is the opposite of so many other things that you want for yourself.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with deciding what you want and going after it. I do think it is wrong to break agreements. So why make agreements that you know you will want to break?

It sounds to me like thus far, you haven’t seen anything in a relationship or a job that was worth the price of commitment—so why pay a price to have something you don’t want?

Jul 27, 2008, 05:18PM PDT | Respond to this 3 cheers

little_terry has to make a room "fancy"

A thought

My husband likes to say that some things are worth what you are willing to give up for them.

Children, marriage, these are commitments and what you get out of these relationships has a lot to do with what you are willing to give up for them. Adar is right on. Don’t feel there’s a problem with choosing adventure, but make sure that you are clear in what you are promising yourself and others.

Jul 27, 2008, 06:28PM PDT | Respond to this 2 cheers

zerlina is trying to motivate herself to clean house.

I think that defining a healthy relationship is primarily up to you and your partner. I’m a monogamous type of girl, and that’s what works for me and my partner, but I know plenty of other folks who have poly relationships or swinger lifestyles.

I think honesty with yourself and your partner is a good place to start.

Jul 29, 2008, 09:08AM PDT | Respond to this

mahinui aloha from the Big Island

It's interesting what you say

You seem to connect your issues with drinking with your perceived lack of commitment, tying them together as aspects of yourself you would like to see change themselves with time.

As in, as you get older, your desires will change

They probably will. But not anytime soon.

I am often struck by Adar’s wisdom, and her words here are no exception.

I’ve been thinking now while I prepared dinner, took care of the dog, and re-read this thread, and here is what comes to me. If you seize control of your drinking, your sense of responsibility to yourself is likely to kick in more strongly.

Persevere, dancing girl. It is you, not time, who is the agent of your change.

Aug 04, 2008, 09:28PM PDT | Respond to this 1 cheer

Add a comment

xochitl213 has gotten 1 cheer on this entry.

spiraljetty cheered this 10 months ago

Comments:

When you say...

so,

Reading this carefully...

A thought

It's interesting what you say

xochitl213 has gotten 1 cheer on this entry.

See all of xochitl213's entries

See everyone with this goal

Therapist in Santa Monica

Need Relationship Repair?

Improve Relationships

Love In A Relationship

Make A Man Fall In Love?

The world wants to...