Whew, finally, at least one more woman willing to admit this awful state of mind. I want to stop, so badly, I don’t know how. When I think I have stopped, it happens again and those old feelings creep back up and take over and then….. it’s too late. BOOM!! It’s done and over with and before you know it you are on your way home sitting in complete silence in the car or they fall asleep before you can even get a few words out about your night or yourself and they roll over to their side as to validate the fact that they could not care less. Your body yearns to just be held for just a moment by him. As you rustle the sheets, turn over and over-exxagerate a sigh, hoping that this desperate pleas for attention will awake him from his state of unconcious ignorance, he again, does nothing. Your pathetic thoughts race through your mind. Wishing, wondering, waiting what the morning will have to offer, if you will ever have the opportunity again to get close to him. The eyes, Nothing. You tried to find feeling in them, but he was not there. This was not the person you met. The tears are there but the release would be too satisfying- they are stuck.

The night replays over and over in your head. How good it felt when your eyes locked for those few moments at first, and then the many other times throughout the night and then it became too much to handle and curiosity got the best of you. The way you felt with him, you foolish girl, was like nothing else. Then this. The closest you could be and….. nothing. For him at least. You just want, more. To be in his mind. As the last few thoughts disappear and as guilt begins to take its heavy toll, sleep rescues your weary mind and dry eyes…. finally. If he only knew…. which he never will, nor is he capable of knowing the emptiness inside and the heavy heart that you carry.