starting, or continuing, to grate on me.

I think he is going to be away this weekend after being rather tortured about how he was going to get down here for the weekend, just HAVING! to see me before I leave for Flagstaff blahdy blahdy blah.

Tonight we haven’t spoken but have been exchanging texts that keep getting tangled up in goo of mixed and missed and scrambled texts.

I think he really doesn’t want to come here on a subconscious level, would appreciate a weekend of quiet, but he thinks I think he MUST come see me or something.

I am at the point of not caring, the point of “a weekend without him would be a blessing!” so I can focus on getting my kids to Flagstaff, leaving on Sunday afternoon rather than Monday morning, hanging out with Emma (alone) when she gets home from camp.

Just yesterday I thought he and I were breaking up (its been the ongoing story of our relationship) but I think its more like a communication glitch fest.

Ay. Tired of this.

I keep thinking “If I was free of Railroad Man, I could actually pursue Him and do things like talk to Roger again….” (Roger is a friend-formerly-more-than-a-friend who I really enjoy hanging out with occasionally but as long as I am with Railroad Man, forget that option!)

Anyway, I am going to try to reach RRMAN a couple times before I go to sleep.

A big part of me screams “WHY?!” but there is this weird, undeniable, visceral connection between the two of us.

So, I will call. And then sleep with the phone in my hand, like a sixteen-year-old.