today, for the 1st time in 3 years, i jumped into a swimming pool, i didn’t realize how long it’s been since i’ve last done it until i got into the water, it was kinda hard to believe as i still automatically think of myself as person hardly separable from the pool, i don’t know what my feeling was, but now i have the dead sea salty burning feeling in my eyes & can’t keep my eyes open, so after the biggest touristic experience of my whole life, i’m afraid i feel super guilty about my desire to go to sleep and rest my tired body & burning eyes… but still i have a voice in my head saying u can stay awake & do all the tasks, but i really physically feel tired, maybe this means i’m a little more motivated than usual but afraid that if i go to sleep then i’ll just wake up with the most horrible depression instead, i think that shoudln’t happen…. i mean after all i live on my own aand i shud be able to take such a silly decision to just go to bed & wake up on time for the 1st time ever, why do i feel guilty? is it all the money i spent on the dead sea weekend? it was truly relatively cheap, is it because my mom sounded like i was getting her bankrupt when i said i might not find the public beach open which i did & didnt hav 2 pay too much? is it possibly just me torturing myself cuz im afraid i’ll never be as happy as the other socially-healthy looking girls i saw at the pool so i’m getting myself busy with other worries that r not what really scares me? that im not afraid of my mom going broke as much as im scared of finding her depressed which will imidiately remind me of how i hav absolutely no faith in the world? that im afraid im just getting myself in another tight spot to distract me from the fact that i promised myself a better life after these 3 months so i can go back to living behind the carrot instead of not settling in for a life that tortures me… i guess right now i might just count the money i hav 2 better know just how tight the spot is, and maybe also calculate my invoice to my part-time & send it to get some backup… maybe that’s just what i feel i can almost achieve wityn my current energy – gnight