you all are making me think very seriously about whether i actually am capable of committing. i’ve pretty thoroughly convinced myself that i don’t want to, but sometimes i still have to wonder if i tell myself that because i’m not capable of it. sometimes i want to believe that i will become capable of it if i meet the right person, that love will be like the fairy tale it should be and that committing to him/her should be the easiest thing in the world for me. (by the way, i quit smoking years ago after being disgusted with it, and it was the easiest thing in the world for me. that has proved both a blessing and a curse: of course, i’m no longer a smoker and am quite happy with that, but it also gives me an excuse to be lazier about my drinking habits – that is, if i just reach that point of being disgusted with my drinking, it will be super easy to quit. naturally, i know on an intellectual level that that is not the best way to think about it, but it’s amazing how much the power of intellect can be squashed in the face of addiction.)
that parenthesis was so ridiculously long that i forgot my original train of thought. oh yes. someone in the last thread asked me why my goal said i wanted to be in a relationship at all if i was so intent on having my cake and eating it too. i think that question could have one of two answers, and i’m not sure which it is.
one option is that i really want to find someone who is cool with me having my cake and eating it too, but sort of always coming back to him/her. he/she could do the same thing, too, as long as everybody is always safe. i’m just not jealous that way.
the other option is that what i truly want, but don’t want to admit that i want, is to be able to commit. i’ve had problems defining a healthy relationship, even if it is a personal definition.
i don’t have any answers right now but i didn’t want everyone to think i was ignoring them and/or this goal.
cheers.