It is dark, 1am. I went to sleep at 1 in the afternoon today and woke up at 6pm, I’ve been awake since. All day I was dozing in class. I do not know why I cannot sleep like a normal person.
Night time is the most difficult time. As soon as the sun goes down I feel like a wave of energy is sucked from my body and I become exhausted and pessimistic, and I feel like I can’t go on anymore, or that I don’t want to.
My one friend called me tonight, I’ve only known him for a few weeks but we hit it off at a party I went to. He has sort of a drinking problem, worse than mine, and we drink together. When I answered the phone, on the other end he says, “Hey, wanna know something funny? I’m drunk off my ass right now… and I’m driving.” He was serious. It scared the shit out of me, I am so thankful that he is OK. He said he just had his heart broken, and that the only way he knows how to cope is alcohol.
Hearing him in so much pain broke my heart. I was so afraid he would crash from drunk driving, and I was so overwhelmed with relief when he made it home safely and then said goodnight. The fact that he called me when he was distraught meant a lot to me too. It shows he trusts me. All these feelings I had made me realize I love him, and I know I do, but more like a brother than anything else. I can’t believe how much I want for him to just be happy- I have never felt so sincerely for anyone before. I love him a lot.
He’s depressed tonight, an hour away where he lives, and I’m depressed too. He said he’s depressed a lot, and I’ve never met anyone who could understand my dark feelings so well. I’m depressed, but I don’t know why. There’s a lot on my mind. My boyfriend, my family, my final exam in two days, the end of summer classes and having to pack up and move back home. There is just a lot on my mind. I have a boyfriend but I’m still lonely, even when I am with him. I don’t know why this is. I just feel empty. I start feeling better when he holds me and I can just relax in his arms. I love that in fact, and I just close my eyes and listen to his breathing, feel his stomach rise and fall. Then I feel better.
That’s what I want—to be cradled and told “everything will be OK.” That’s what I want.
Yea.
