Nov 17 2005

I called in sick family and sick on Mon and Tu. It is Thursday and I only

officially worked one day this week and I am already tired!

It is not even 6 AM thursaday and I have not gotten enough sleep. I just found

out my 16 yearold is trying to sign up for track. Grand ma is leaving for Nigeria

in about 1.5 weeks.

My husband does not get home until around 8pm each night and the younger kids

require increasing attention after school.

I don’t see how I am going to make it.

I am so tired and exhausted and my house is a mess. Next year, the only way I can

see making it work and it not be overwelming is just working part time. Even a

different full time job may be too much. but i am not sure.

If i can at least get my sleeping under control
I can see if things improve.

I also need to stop trying to do everything top notch. Just surviving with out

getting sick is an accomplishment. Sometimes i do this because of fear of failure

(dyslexia, etc…) Sometimes because I know others are watching. If I do not do

well then I will have to feel and hear the negative comments.

I feel like I am better off not trying with certain things than struggling with

these negative feelings.

Nearly, everything often seems so hard and draining. I yearn for a more managable
and enjoyable existence. And yet even this makes me uncomfortable to even desire

it. I some how feel it may not be God’s will for me. I know this probably is completely off. It is probably of the enemy and flesh…. but I need to pray and search the scriptures on that.

Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind in Christ Jesus!

Oh Lord give me wisdom and understanding.

I