• * EDIT: if this would ever go into a book, i would call the book, “(Just) One More Cup Of Coffee” lol

I like not wearing makeup, not trying to look pretty, and dressing conservatively. i am not sure why. why do i care so much at projecting a “i am basic” persona? to cover my ability to act like a boisterous clown sometimes? to be “different.” my father said when everyone was dressing hippie style, he wore the most conservative professional button up clothes, and had short hair, to really project a “i am not following the pack” persona. in my genes? Am I truly The Stuck Up Lone Wolf Daughter? Many things are genetic, like unrealistic chocolate-covered grandiosity, and maybe this clothes thing is as well.

fascinating to me… the desire to go against the grain. i used to be SO ADHERED to it. WAY more than i am now. it was like my entire IDENTITY. which was not healthy. alack alack life and its ways of causing people to cope in certain ways.

wonderfulloved

PS: ALSO, the time in my life when i was wearing the tummy tops, and the short skirts (thank you fake tan), were not my most happiest times. they started off vibrant, and then slid into hell. maybe that is why. funny, wearing those old clothes, is weird for me. i tried them on the other day. as a way of revisiting what slipped away? (wow i am getting too dramatic here) i still kept the clothes, that for awhile i could NOT fit into. the clothes – my uniform, if you will, are interesting to me because that person before is dead. and died so quickly. another “person” has emerged, but i let go of who i was so quickly, that it is interesting to mull over who i was, how bright and safe i thought my future was, and how i thought i was going to catapult into the great beyond. i did—in a way…. but a different sort of sticky beyond, with thorns of magnetic lessons that can tarnish, tear, and torture.

i mean is this cup of sugar coffee making me on FIRE with the alliteration , or WHAT?

yes—i dress conservative because i will use anything in my arsenal to portray like i have a functioning brain, and a working memory: one that doesnt lie to the self incessantly, and pretend, and not process goings ons. I think i subconsciously dress this way as a futile yet charmingly brillant way to tatoo my image with “NO, NO i have not had nervous breakdowns, and panic attacks, and have screamed alone in a corner more than my fair share, no no no no that would not be me. my life didnt fall apart, my clothes are Professional.”

i mean REALLY, where is this coffee FROM people? Can i buy stock in it? look into that