My relationship with J has not been easy.

Putting ourselves back together as individuals and as a couple was tricky, heartbreaking, wonderful, scary, new, familiar…lots of things.

I do not hold a grudge with him for what he did. I am not angry with him for not wanting this child in the beginning. But he struggles with this fact…that he did not want his soon to be daughter.

He just sent me this poem…which I was so touched by, I couldn’t even respond to him:

my child my meadow my sea

i didn’t make a mistake
by giving birth to you inside myself…
before you were only hers
your mother’s
now i carry you in my womb
as well
now you live in my sea

i fill you
with every good thing i’ve ever felt or seen
i fill you with wind clouds animals rivers mountains yellow petals by the thousands
color color color i pour heart after heart after heart after heart into you
my unborn sea my unborn child

all my prayers are carved in rocks in stones in the hearts of the sky
asking gods and beggars prostitutes and wise hermits
for you to be born with ten fingers ten toes a healthy heart

your mother and i have found a meadow
a place of peace
a place where we let down our blood letting
our blood shedding instruments

we found that meadow in you
my love
my child
my unfathomable
sea