Finally. A real goalpost. Well hallelujah, will wonders never cease. :)

• see if I can resuscitate the third smelly rose – Your shit, it smells like roses? (Come on, that goal is so surreal, I’ve got no idea what in the fuck to say. It kinda speaks for itself.)

• learn to handle it all. – Dude, if you learn this.. I will pay you to mentor me.

• Let You Know That I Exist – Mmmmmmm… No. Sorry, Nyahh, nyahh, I can’t SEE you. You don’t EXIST to me. (Suddenly, I’m magically transported back to 1988 and I’m screwing with my little bro.)

• create my robot – Here we go. Another mad scientist takes to the skies.

• Create the Green Team Hug a Tree Campaign. – I am so sick of these greenwashed people. Let me guess, when you go hug a tree, you’re gonna drive there in your BIG-ASSED SUV? (And for the record, I myself drive a big-assed SUV, but I don’t go around gallivanting off to tree-huggin’ bullshit sex-in-the-city, desperate-housewives gatherings.) Mostly I drive myself to Micky D’s and pick up some tasty french fries.

• you miss me – No, I miss the way you’d make a martini. Other than that, don’t really miss you much at all. Oh, and your titties. I miss those too, but more so, the magical things you could do with gin and vermouth. The titties were like a 6 or seven out of ten. The drinks, perfect nine.

• move out of Jersey – This is, without doubt, the best goal I’ve seen in a month. HELL, in a year. Everyone in New Jersey should have this goal. Of course, were that to become a reality, we’d also see a lot of these goals popping up shortly thereafter, “Get all these bridge-and-tunnel losers the FUCK outta NYC.” And I’d understand.

• watch my wife with another guy – That’s… Odd. Then again, how much are we talking about here? I mean, come on. Everything’s negotiable.

• superstar of the world – Not you. Especially if you’re the guy who wants to watch his wife get hammered by somebody else. Some free advice? Get the fuck out of Jersey.

• Remind myself he doesn’t deserve me and is a cheat and a low life liar every time he pops into my head till I believe it. Also, if I went back to him, I might miss out on someone so much better (yeah right, dream on!) – This was an interesting goal. Everything was going fine up until the point where they deviated with, `Yeah right, dream on!’ indicating that EVERYTHING before that had just become null and void. Sure, it could be an English error, a misplaced contextual reference or something, but.. What if it wasn’t?

• prevent forrest fires (only you can) – Prevent spelling errors, (only you can.) Thanks smokey. Get a goddamn dictionary.

• find a contraceptive that doesnt make me angry – ARRRRR! TROJANS MAKE HULK ANGRRRRRRRRY!!!

• sick talk ( when ur home sick ) – Looking for an example? First, tilt your head back and pour water into your nostrils, (no, really, it’s ok! It’s like.. waterboarding, actually.) Next, cough three HUGE coughs. Finally, call your best friend. That’s what “sicktalk” sounds like. Either that, or it’s you whispering into the phone, “Yeah, and that’s my fantasy.. You, your brother and a monkey. No, the monkey wears the strap-on. Why? I dunno, because it’ll be fun to be monkey-fucked?”

• Learn to cook / cook more – Once I learned how to cook, I did. I never did progress into the slash-cook-more though, I was too afraid to push that envelope.

• Janitorial Services – You are the eyes and ears of this institution, my friend?

• figure out the real reason people would vote for McCain – He has a shitload of partisan connections. That, and, well shit. He looks presidential.

• tab – Worst softdrink ever.

• have a baby. actually, 4 babies – Holy shit! I’ve never actually seen anyone aspire to trailerparkdom before! Soooo, school was a little too hard? Decided you didn’t really want that career? What’s that you say? Your husband is a longshore fisherman who also sits on the board of directors of an oil and gas company? Aww yeah. I get it.

• holiday in eqypt – Uhh.. It’s a holiday in egypt, where everyone wears black? It’s a holiday in egypt, where you’ll kiss ass or crack?

• stay married a long time – YEAH! Not like.. FOREVER, but just a “long time”. Like, maybe 6 years or something. Until you get your second lexus at least.

• Calm down befor I collaps – You’re already losing keyboard capability. It’s either the coke or the coffee that’s gotta go, mate.

• Open someones eyes to how much fun it is to be really odd – Psst, wanna know something? Those poor people who you refer to as “geeks” and “nerds”? They don’t exactly get that choice to make, so they’re pretty much gonna hate you.

• i like too meet you – Sorry, I don’t meet anyone who doesn’t have the “two/too/to” thing figured out. Unless of course, you can make a good martini.. Orrrr….

• Make someone think they have shrunk overnight – OMG, actually that would be a GREAT practical joke. Shorten their heels, get one size larger clothes, shoes, etc. It could be done. It’d have to be well-coordinated, but it could be done.

• MASTER WHICHCRAFT – WHATCRAFT? THATCRAFT! WHOSECRAFT? THATCRAFT!

• buy a smaller hand gun!!!!!!! – `Cause the bigger one keeps falling out of my pants, when I’m jogging around the park! Daddy! Get me one now! I want that one!

• I want to be a professional drifter – Sooooo, basically `homeless’. You want to be a homeless dude that bugs the shit out of me downtown and at stoplights. Unless you buy a smaller handgun, in which case you’ll be, `soon to be arrested professional drifter’.

• Find the guy willing to fix it – Yeah. That’s not me. Shit, I’m the guy who broke it.

• Take classes at the CIA – I don’t think that the Central Intelligence Agengy has like.. An adult continuing education program or anything like that. Although it would be kinda cool.. “Dead-drops for mom’s on the go!”, “Now that you’ve reached retirement age, you’re considering toppling foreign governments as a hobby!” and “Thinking about a career change? Have you considered handling agents in Morocco?”

• I want Andrew back – No, he’s my brother and you can’t have him.

• Loose weight and build mussels by working out – YEAH! In a creamy white wine sauce… Mmmmmm..