I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea that relationships are only temporary, that they serve a certain purpose and when that purpose is gone the relationship also fades. I’ve been trying to force myself to accept this as natural, and the more I think this way, that nothing can be expected to last, the more indifferent I become toward forming or maintaining relationships. I can’t tell if this is wrong or not or if this is what people mean when they talk about just taking things as they come. I begin to feel things in whatever direction less intensely, and I can’t tell if that’s good or bad.

It feels like renting a car to me. You don’t care so much about how many miles you put on it or in what conditions you drive it in, and you don’t think much about these things because it’s not yours. You’re more reckless than if it were your own car. You use it for a good time or out of temporary necessity, but in the end it’s not yours and you can’t keep it. Therefore, you feel no attachment or connection to it.

Thinking that relationships are only temporary, I become indifferent and have a hard time seeing value in going out of my way to make significant effort in a relationship. I can’t tell if it’s wrong to feel so indifferent since this is not how I’m used to feeling. In one way it’s liberating because in this situation I don’t take things personally and I don’t fear losing so much because in fact I’m mostly indifferent about it. On the other hand, however, I begin to feel disconnected and like I want to be more isolated, and I’m mostly indifferent about the fact of being isolated. Not happy, not sad, not anything, just indifferent…