I have been trying to let go of her for a long time now. She, it, something keeps pulling me back. I know she is toxic. Her demeanor, her life, her home, her family…all toxic. I was so in love with her once and then, nothing. Just going through the motions, I guess. I have known for a long time that this was over. I just didn’t want it to be. Not b/c of any love that I may have felt. But I lawys felt obligated to stay. I felt like I was supposed to be her savior. I felt that I would be able to leave when I helped her get on her feet. I felt that I could change her. I felt that she was a victim of fucked up circumstances and that I was going to make her past hurt less.

She really loved me at one time and I know that. Just like I loved her with all my heart. What I was holding on to was not love. Maybe it was my sense of social responsiblity. For some reson I am always attracted to tragic cases. Why do I want to save people? I have to save myself now.

The next person that I get involved with will be an equal. I know that I can do better. This time I won’t settle b/c of some feeling of obligation. I lost way to much in the long run.

This time there is no going back, no matter how many tears. No matter how many times she calls. No matter how much she thinks she may need me or how much I feel that I may need her. It’s not worth it. I am so sorry if I hurt her. But, I can’t keep hurting me. I hope that she loves again. I hope that she does not hold on to the pain. I wish that I could avoid having her blaming me, but I doubt it. To her I will always be the bad guy. I wish that I could make her understand that I am just a different person than I was at 19 than I am at 24. Unfortunately she is still the same @ 26 that she was at 21. I hope that she will realizes that haer past and her surroudings don’t define her.

If only I could say these things to her and have her understand them. Maybe that is more me wanting to ease my guilt and less about me wanting to ease her pain.