I always thought that the person I would be with forever would be the one who loved me as I am, with all my faults and bad habits and flaws. That makes sense, on the surface, right?
Well, my old relationship has officially ended, after unofficially dragging on for quite some time. He was (and is) a great guy, and he would have taken care of me and treated me like a princess for the rest of my days. He really, truly loved me as I am, and he would have loved me if I’d gotten fat, or sick, or my hair fell out, or whatever. He still would have thought I was beautiful, too. So what’s the problem, you ask?
The problem is he’s not interested in self-improvement, or the improvement of myself, or how we could grow and improve as people together. He accepted my drinking problem, and told me he’d still love me if I ever wanted to stop drinking, but he never encouraged me to or even inspired me to. He’d listen to me talk about eating healthier, and he’d eat healthy food if I cooked it, but he never put any effort into making better choices himself. He would go running with me, but because I wanted it, not because he did. I think, in retrospect, that he will one day realize he wasn’t happy in our relationship either, but he doesn’t know why yet. He thinks all he needs is to be crazy about me, and that’s enough to be happy. But it’s not. I want to travel the world; he wants to buy a house in the suburbs. He would have sacrificed anything for me, including the life he really wants, and I’m sure he would have grown to resent me for it.
I am in a relationship now that is different from any I’ve ever been in. I am, for the first time in my life, trying to be monogamous. I am also, for the first time in my life, trying to control my drinking. Luis doesn’t just encourage me to do these things, he would leave me if I didn’t. But here’s the thing: I’m not doing it for him, I’m doing it for me. And not just because I’m crazy about him. A ridiculous example: if he told me he didn’t like my hair color, I’d tell him to go find someone else that has a hair color that suited him. But he wouldn’t say that, ever. The only things he ever has a problem with are things that would put our relationship or my well-being (or his well-being) in danger. How could I tell him to go find a girl without a drinking problem? He is only trying to help me to help myself, and if I don’t help myself, I’m only cheating myself.
I always thought that real, true love wouldn’t require any effort. It’s really not true. It’s taking a lot of effort on my part. But honestly, I never felt much reward in things that didn’t require effort. And so far, the rewards of this unlikely relationship have been better than I could have dreamed.