This is such an interesting question, Dan. I find in my own life that my cringey feeling about being assertive comes into the whole question of maintaining and strengthening friendships on a regular basis.

I think that this situation is tricky, because some people do just say in a casual way “oh yeah I could help you with that” when they have no real intention of following through. And other times maybe they’re just forgetful.

I don’t know the specifics of this situation to which you refer, but I would say that it’s perfectly alright to find a way to bring it up casually, saying, oh, I was still thinking I’d really like to do X… do you still think you might be able to do that with me?

My sense from the way you described it is that it’s more like a favor the person would do? so in that case, just express light hearted hopeful interest, but let them know you understand if they don’t really have the time right now.

People like us are very sensitive about stepping on others’ emotional toes, but you should be aware that there are TONS of people who think nothing of saying, Hey, gee, I need this, what’s up with your not mentioning it!?

I never want to be like that, but I do think it’s healthy to try to find a middle ground :)

You have done it again. You have managed to out into words confusion I feel. I always feel confused about similar situations. I neve know what I am supposed to do when someone has offered help, I have shown interest (or at least thought I have) and then nothing happens. You end up waiting, wondering, getting frustrated because you needed their help and you are stuck with out it. Loads of time passes and you end up finding some way around it…....only to be told later….you should’ve asked. If you ask again you feel pushy, that you are asking too much.

What do I do….... I don’t ask, I go without, I make do. If they offer help and set a time on it (I will be over on Saturday morning to help…...) then that is ok. My experience is that open ended we will get together sometime, I will do that soon type comments get lost and forgotten. I have learned not to count on those ones.

I know exactly what ya mean.

But at some point ya have to consider . . .
“you DO have a life” and it is actually a petty good life. Oh yea, maybe it could use some tuning here and there, but by and large, it’s pretty good. So let the fine tuning begin.

What is it you’d like to do with someone (please dear god – anyone?)
Scuba Dive – screw it – I’m took the class anyway. Hey, guess what, a bunch of loners like me. not alot of boring conversation about the president elect when you are at 60 feet, you are pretty much alone – .
Shooting – screw it – I’m taking the class anyway. Hey, guess what, a bunch of hearty individualists, like me (hey, I’m not a loner anymore – I be a hearty individualist). Not alot of boring conversation about how to fix the economy with a colt roaring in the wind.
Rock climbing – screw it – I’m taking the class. Hey, guess what? I’m a rugged individualist – no loners here!

and my life? just better than ever is all.
Ooh! Gotta run – got some more tuning up to do.

Nike says “just do it”

but I’ve come a long way just through the process of experience. Now, if I really want to do something, I’ll just say “Hey, what happened? Were you just mentioning that casually, or would you really like to do it?” I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t take the answer personally.

And if the person flakes out later, I’ll something lightly like—“You flaked out on me!”, with a smile, of course. I’m just offering you a different perspective. I remember well the feeling you described; good luck with coming up with an answer that works for you!

_{I think some people say what they mean, and some people don’t}

(Notice how cool I sound when I use urban patois?)

Don’t you think you just might be over-thinking this one a bit?

Ask.

Pick up the phone or see them at work or whatever the appropriate situation would be, and ask them. They’ll either tell you they forgot or give you some lame excuse, which you can accept graciously…but at least you’d have an answer.

And, my friend, you sound like you think YOU did something wrong…which you clearly did not. You had a mutual arrangement with another adult to do something, and YOU were, for whatever reason, stood up. You’re the “aggrieved” party here, Dan’l. And though it is clearly not unreasonable to want to know why, it IS unreasonable not to ask.

Were that me that this happened to, I’d have been on the phone when they were 15 minutes late asking when the hell they were gonna get there.

I know you know how busy my life is. I often will tell people I will help them with something or will make tentative plans with someone. Then someone calls in sick, or something else comes up and I have to cancel. It’s nothing intentional on my part. Things happen.

If I’ve discussed doing something with someone, but then don’t bring it up again, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to still do it. I just means that I’ve forgotten about it. I would not be offended if someone brought up the subject again. Well, if it was Uncle Enore and he called me up and said “where the hell are you” when we didn’t have a scheduled date, that would offend me. But I expect that kind of thing from Unc.

I think, as we’ve discussed before, that you aren’t picking up on the tones or body language during the conversations and are taking things literally. Most people, in my experience, don’t speak in literal terms. Things aren’t black and white. They’re gray. That leaves wiggle room for people to back out.

If it’s still something that you need help with, or would like to do, it’s perfectly alright to ask about it. I’d say something like, “hey, I still need help doing xyz. Would you be able to help me do that this weekend?” Or “Hey that show we talked about is coming up and I’m ordering my ticket. Do you want me to order one for you too?” This way of phrasing things doesn’t leave the leeway for people to waffle. You should get a straight answer to these kinds of questions.

Hope my rambling helps.