i had another bpd outburst today with my teenage daughter. it has ended up me sending her to my mother’s to stay – i just feel unable to cope. my daughter definately has some bpd behaviours – i just can’t deal with that at the moment. we have an appointment next week with a family clinic that has a collection of psychologists, social workers etc. i feel on the verge of just telling them that i believe i am bpd and her with some behaviours. however – i am terrified they will use that label to remove my kids from me. i don’t have any problems with the younger kids – i am not a perfect mum – but i am pretty patient with them and they are happy and well looked after. i know though the relationship with my teenager is detrimental to me and her. i will talk with the people at the family clinic if it is better for her to stay permanantly at my mothers.
i just don’t know where to go with this bpd. for the past week or so i have been thinking that i just need to accept myself for now the way i am as nothing is going to change over night. it seems so hopless. like i say i am terrified to tell the doctor or social workers about it in case they take my kids off me – that would be devastating for the kids – and bpd or not the little ones are undoubtedly better off with me – their lives are no different than any other kids their age. i have tried to get private therapy but it is so expensive and here in uk there just isn’t the same awareness about bpd. i have this self help book that i have started but always seem too tired or preoccupied with my own misery to keep up with it. like i say it just seems so helpless. when i feel like this i always search frantically on the internet for some other help but then end up reading stuff that just reaffirms how hopeless the situation is, how bad a mother i probably am and the horrendous effects i am likely to have on my kids. by all accounts i should come with a health warning. yet despite the rages i can have – despite the insults i can hurl and the hurt i can cause to others in those moments – which i can in no way excuse, i also know this. i am not as bad a person as a lot of so called ‘normal’ people i have met. i suppose we need to live somehow with the hand that has been dealt us. i will need to try harder somehow.