I desperately need to impress the weekend editor right now, in order to get work after november, I really need her to want me to work for her. But the past few days I have done the opposite. Life is just too much to deal with these days, the worries about getting more work, which is a lot worse with the financial crisis, my financial situation which has gone from terrible to even worse, the heartbreaking situation with Agatha and plenty of other things.

It’s overwhelming. And the result is that all of last week I went to work feeling seriously dizzy and nauseous and with a constant headache. The weekend editor didn’t come to work friday and today because she was sick. She asked me to write a tv article for friday. So I tried finding people to give me some information I needed for the article, but they were impossible to get hold of. I told the editor, and she said “well, find another idea and write the article”. Which is a whole lot easier said than done. It had to be something newsworthy about norwegian television. And november really is not the time for new things happening on tv. And finding creative ideas in the state that I have been in lately is seriously difficult, so I wasn’t very efficient. Today I discussed it with some other journalists, we found some ideas and I spent a lot of time researching, but all of the ideas proved difficult to do for different reasons (that had nothing to do with me, it was reasons like that we had done simimlar things recently) I finally found an idea that might work, and called the editor to ask her if I should go for that and she said “WHAT??? Have you been working on that article for TWO days and it’s not finished??? I hope you have been working on other things as well??”

In part it was rather unfair, because finding and researching ideas does take time, I had some bad luck in that I called a lot of people who didn’t answer their phone or didn’t know anything about the topic, and several ideas didn’t work out. Plus, I have been doing other things. I made the weekly news quiz for our webpages for instance, which she seems to think takes 5 minutes. But finding good questions and alternatives for answers takes longer than that, especially because it was my first time doing it.
But it definitely also had to do with me not being efficient at all lately. Which is terrible, I completely depend on her liking me. Crap. I have to find a way to get my act together even though it feels like my life is crashing down at the moment.