i wanted to come back to this. there have been many periods of my life which have been spent in a haze of some substance or other. during all of these episodes i have suffered the most terrible come downs – more so than that of anyone else i was participating with. what i began to notice though as i began to wean myself off drugs and drink – that when i did indulge the comedowns became even worse – much worse. i know at the time i couldn’t figure this out. i remember thinking that it seemed a bit topsy turvy – i would have thought that when getting out my head on a much more frequent level that i should have been more messed up – but it didn’t work that way. i remember i had cut down to taking e every other month or so – i allowed myself this indulgence as i had seen it like i was out of that scene of getting nutted all weekend and getting drunk through the week. anyway the aftermath of one of these ‘rare’ indulgences had me almost pulling my hair out – i felt i was going absolutely mad and i knew i just couldn’t survive feeling that way. i had to get out that day and try something. i went to a centre in the city i stay – it wasn’t really well suited to my problems – it dealt really with heroin users and i suppose it was hard even for me to understand how they could have been of help – as i was obviously not ‘addicted’ in a physical sense. anyway – i also spent time searching the book store for some help – ended up with this positive thinking book and for a time i managed to put that stuff into practice. i also went to the docs at that time to arrange to see a psychologist but unless you were threatening suicide (which i wasn’t about to tell the doc if i was) the waiting list was around a year. anyway point is that the less substances i was taking the more down i was feeling????
so now i find i don’t take anything – and yet the downers have an intensity greater than any of the drug/booze aftermaths. so i’m just starting to put this together. now i am thinking that what i was putting down to ‘come downs’ was actually really only the state of my emotional life that i was trying to escape from through the drink/drugs. i honestly never went for that kind of explanation before. i really felt that i indulged in any substance to because it made me feel good. so now i’m starting to believe no i indulged in it because for a short time it gave me a short reprieve from the way i was actually feeling. the come downs were just the short sharp shocks into the reality of those emotions again.
so now i’m here with nothing really to take the edge of those emotions. i don’t take any sort of meds for depression or anything else. the thing is though i’m now realising that these are the emotions that i need to work through – not to dull. somehow i am going to have to work through these emotions – this grief – before i am able to resolve anything.
so ok here i am – getting some counselling although not specific to bpd, going to mass/praying, writing here and occassionally in my journal, reading – no miracle cures but some small steps i hope that will in some ways make some positive differences. i don’t have the resources to get the psychoanalysis or other specific bpd treatments but i am willing to try and use the resources i do have.
like the counsellor yeaterday – he had no idea what bpd was – and although both he and i recognise then that he is not of specific use to focus on that – the guy is an experienced addiction and anger/stress management counsellor. he also has his own story of survival. anyway i think he has something to offer – you know if i can make some small steps in those directions which he does have experience in. the thing is i am never going to find the miracle cure that i’d like. i’d like just to talk to the right person who would , by just speaking to them, make everything ok. reality is though that any sort of progress is a lot more pragmatic than that – and requires a lot more effort, practice, motivation.
anyway – i just wanted to babble about that a bit.