The last couple of days we have been having some truly interesting discussions about the play and work of the unconscious mind. Some theories and questions and feelings are flying about, and to me, the whole subject is utterly fascinating and deserves a spot all its own for discussion.

Some of the questions we were touching upon are whether in some fashion the unconscious mind/persona of someone who dies lingers on in somewhat bizarre and interactive ways with those who loved them, and our experiences in that area. Are our ongoing experiences artifacts of memory, or is there something stretching through time and space on an unconscious level that continues to inform us subconsciously that originates outside ourselves?

That may or may not make sense.

Apart from this but related, there is one other theory I want to toss into the mix for comment:

Just as we have verbal conversations among ourselves, our unconscious minds converse and make plans and deals

Here are examples of what I am talking about. Person A and Person B were each married to other people, and the marriages ended badly, acrimoniously, hurtfully. Person A and Person B meet up and fall into an intimate relationship, but both are frightened of where intimacy can lead. Deeply frightened. So right away their unconscious minds have a meeting and make a deal: This relationship is not really intimate at all and is going to end abruptly whenever one of us decides it’s over This meeting happens in such a clandestine way that the conscious minds are not a party to it, and having not verbalized the agreement, Person A keeps wondering why the relationship isn’t going anywhere, while Person B recognizes Person A is just a place holder until … you fill in the blank. But Person B is not actively searching for the “right person”, because not being a conscious party to the deal, Person B is actually quite fond of Person A.

Here’s another example.

We all know families make us crazy. It’s that time of year, yeah? When we were young, and our families made us crazy, we all vowed we would not repeat those mistakes in our own families – we would be more forgiving, perhaps. Less judgmental, maybe. Certainly, less insistent, less controlling. But aha! The unconscious mind wants to leave nothing to chance – wants to install walls, windows, and doors in the family structure to allow for easy exits, ways out, you get the picture. The unconscious mind is looking after the well being of the individual, protecting him or her from future disappointments and misadventures.

And one unconscious mind communicates, again, with other unconscious minds. Long term plans are made. So here’s Annie. Annie (someone near and dear to me) had some really scary family experiences, and needed to get away and sort things out and see who she really was. But her conflict was, she loved her family and didn’t want to get away, so lived in a quandary where the transparent short term solution of a short hiatus did not present itself. Her unconscious was superseded by an intractable conscious mind that kept her in place. Her unconscious mind went to work, and conferred with the rest of the family, and devised a life plan that gave her an out she could use over and over again.

This is the sort of weird elaborate plan that I believe only a meeting of the unconscious minds can construct.

Take my word for it – holidays were hell in my family, growing up. You would not want to have been there. And I do not want to go into it.

So Annie, bless her, dives into a relationship with one of the cousins of one of the in-laws. The cousin is beyond weird – ungainly, unsociable, alcoholic, heroin using – have I said enough?

Here is my imagined version of the conversation between the unconscious minds that promoted the relationship and carried out the consequences:

Annie’s UM: I am going to have this lengthy fling, and in return, I get to use it to buy my way out of every family get together I wish from the time the fling is over until I die.

The other side of the deal: We will cooperate and invite this weird person we otherwise have nothing whatsoever to do with to every holiday get together you would rather not attend, and we will do this until the end.

I am not kidding. The only time this completely bizarre cousin shows up is at certain holiday gatherings, by invitation, and he participates only insofar as showing up, occupying a spot at the table, hovering near a wall otherwise, and vanishing when the wine has been put away. Were he not to be invited, Annie would have a dilemma. But a deal is a deal when the unconscious minds are involved.

This is just my wild hair theory, but I’ve been carrying it around for decades. Not just as to my family.

Anyway, I am hoping others here have curiosity and theories and stories to share, and we can have an opportunity to delve into this fascinating realm.