Failing spectacularly on abandon all of my goals and just live on 43 Things

abandon all of my goals and just live (read all 16 entries…)

Failing spectacularly 12 months ago

at this non-goal goal. I believe this is a time for stillness and rest. And yet…

I feel restless in a way that’s rapidly approaching frantic.

I wish I could just enjoy, relax into an ebb tide, let go, float, flow and all those nice hippie things I’m being told to do, both internally and by friends and family. I observe the restlessness without hurling myself into mindless activity, for the most part. It’s f’ing torture, for the record. Settling comfortably into any one phase of life feels unnatural to me. I’m waiting for the next set of changes. I know my dad’s death will be a rough transition for all of us and it makes sense to rest up and not commit to new activities, classes, explorations that will take up more than a little time and energy.

Apparently, sense isn’t my strong suit. Or perhaps it makes more sense to listen to my nature and plunge into a new enterprise, knowing I may need to abandon it when my father’s decline accelerates. My mind is jumbled. I try to stay still until I have clarity, but what if my clarity comes through action, effort, learning, change, new places, people, challenges?

Dec 05, 2008, 04:53PM PST | 4 cheers

Comments:

Wildcranberries will be staying for another year.

Why indeed would there

be only one way to clarity? Isn’t the stillness that can be found in the eye of a whirlwind more still and focussed just because it is born out of the activity around it?

Also, a life with no action, effort, learning, change, new places, new people or new challenges would hardly seem worth seeking clarity about.

It just might be possible that everyone else trusts your sense and judgement about these kinds of things more than you do. (I know I do.)

Dec 05, 2008, 05:43PM PST | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

Tiisi

What I'm dancing around here

is that I miss things going wrong around me. Not necessarily to me, but around me. I liked being the calm center of the whirlwind. Now I have a calm life and I’m feeling the whirlwind build internally. But what can I do? I don’t want to create a whirlwind and I can’t step into someone else’s just to appease that part of me.

Not sure what I want to do, either. I feel too scattered for a class and nothing appeals to me. I feel like an overtired toddler who knows that she wants something and she wants it now, but doesn’t know what it is. At this age, there isn’t anyone else who can figure out what I want. It’s me. And I haven’t a clue.

Dec 06, 2008, 08:36AM PST | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Wildcranberries will be staying for another year.

Yup.

So, is this a coping strategy you’ve learned – to be calm when everything is going wrong around you – or do you think it’s a more fundamental personality trait? Do you like thunderstorms, I mean really like being in a thunderstorrm? _{I do.} Maybe you could start chasing hurricanes for a living. Maybe you should be a rock star again. Or an actress. Maybe there’s a whirlwind you could create that would not be a bad thing? Also, you may want to look into working as a person who works the brakes in the what-are-they-called-where-people-sit at an old-fashioned wooden rollercoaster.

The best, most alive parts of my life have often felt as if I’m going 80 mph on a dark forest road without no lights on and no idea where I’m going. Most of the unhappiness comes from the demand to know exactly where one is going and that there should be assurances from someone else that sure everlasting happiness is the end result of the ride.

Go ahead, stomp your foot and pout a bit, Toddler-Ti. The world can take it.

Dec 06, 2008, 08:58AM PST | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Tiisi

I think it's a little of

nature and nurture. I was raised with someone who was mentally ill and I took on the role of emotional plate spinner, constantly taking everyone’s emotional temperature and making sure no one went too far off the rails. But, from the time I was a little girl, I adored earthquakes, thunderstorms, roller coasters, anything that gave me an adrenaline rush. In the past, that meant I would put myself in dangerous situations so I could have the thrill of extracting myself without too much damage.

It’s a good skill to have, calmness in crisis. But must I have a crazy life in order to feel calm? Frankly, my energy levels aren’t what they used to be and I need a calmer life. I’m having trouble striking a balance between calm and boring. My sister says I’ve always been restless and she knows me better than almost anyone.

I also think that moving across the country with no guarantees raised the stakes a bit on what I consider a challenge.

Okay, I need coffee and a shower so I can go get groceries and shop for a maid of honor dress. Time to get offline and going. Smooch!

Dec 06, 2008, 09:23AM PST | Respond to this 2 cheers

JudithKD I LOVE the year in review thing...how cool! Thx robots!

Tiisi,

Since I think you like me have gotten where you are by being a fighter, I think that you’re having problems NOT having something to fight for/against. Or maybe I’m projecting myself here?

I love the idea of being a quiet, still calmness, but I don’t think realistically I’ll ever get there.
I may be off base here, but that’s what I see.

Also, I don’t agree with what you said: “Apparently, sense isn’t my strong suit.” Only that you may cope better when you’re DOING something rather than simply being still. It’s not better or worse, it is simply what suits YOU.

((many hugs))

Judith

Dec 05, 2008, 06:18PM PST | Thread | Respond to this 2 cheers

Tiisi

That's so interesting

I never would have thought of myself as a fighter. A survivor, for sure.

Stillness is held as a virtue by many. It’s seen as the precursor to intelligent and wise action. If I don’t know what I want to do, it seems that stillness is the place I can figure that out. But, as you say, doing is my strong suit. So maybe I need to start doing something, anything, and make course corrections as I go.

I’m feeling so befuddled!

Dec 06, 2008, 08:39AM PST | Respond to this 1 cheer

Enore is

Or what if...

...you’re just nervous and afraid that if you relax and let yourself get comfortable with your life, something will come along to fuck it all up and you’ll fall on your (shapely) ass?

Dec 05, 2008, 07:08PM PST | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Tiisi

Well, I

do hate the part of movies when everyone is happy, because I know something bad is coming and they’re so clueless and vulnerable. When Mr. Yes and I watched The Notebook, (he loves sad movies), I kept saying, “Oh god, they’re so happy…look at them…oh, this is horrible…let’s just get to the bad part…look how happy they are!”

I love frantic large cities and huge crowds because I get very calm. I love a good crisis for the same reason. I’d like to be able to feel that calm and clarity when nothing’s going wrong, but I haven’t gotten there yet.

Dec 06, 2008, 08:32AM PST | Thread | Respond to this

Enore is

You just need to burn out, as I have.

Then you’ll calm down quite a bit. I know I have.

I loved The Notebook myself. But wasn’t it a book or short story before the movie? I think I read it first…or…some of the reason I’m burnt out could be just flashing back, you know?

Dec 06, 2008, 08:39AM PST | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Tiisi

I got so mad

at Mr. Yes for ‘making’ me watch The Notebook. At the end, when I was lying on his lap, crying, I kept saying, “You’re a horrible man. I hate you. Love sucks. Why did you do this to me? Love sucks and you’re a horrible, horrible man.” He kind of laughed at me, but in a nice way. He loves movies that make you cry.

Dec 06, 2008, 08:51AM PST | Thread | Respond to this 1 cheer

Enore is

It was a wonderful story.

And, of course, it has the ability to touch all of us…since any of us could be in the exact same position.

For ME, the ONLY thing that is worse than what your dad is going thru would be Alzheimer’s. It’s a disgusting and horrible disease that isn’t content in just raping the life away from the sick person, it has to help destroy the family, too.

Dec 06, 2008, 08:59AM PST | Thread | Respond to this

I'm resigned to it - Tiisi

That story you're talking about... - Enore

They say that simple things like - Jessy

If you fear you are at genetic risk - wren

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