It warms me to think they have someone who cares so much about them, especially with all of their dysfunctional and nonexistent families.
I was thinking about what you told me earlier about e-mailing and meeting face-to-face. I know I wouldn’t be comfortable meeting face to face, at least for now. Instead of e-mailing, I’d rather chat here for now too. We can keep chatting on this site and maybe in the process I’ll be able to get to know you more too.
As far as me feeling alone, it’s been really difficult. Both my psychiatrist and psychologist told me to call them if I have overbearing suicidal thoughts, but I never want to call them… Obviously if I’m thinking suicide, I want to go through with it, not call someone and have myself put away…
The very thought of calling someone and telling them I’m suicidal generally makes the suicidal thoughts go away in themselves. Being in a hospital is a horrible experience and I don’t have much confidence that hospitalization could ever “fix” what’s wrong, so the entire thing is useless. All you do is lie and tell the doctors you’re better so they can finally let you go home, and the suicidal thoughts are still there.
Being put in a mental health hospital is a terrifying experience, almost like prison- I’d rather kill myself than go to prison, same with the hospital. There is my point. That’s why when I become seriously suicidal I’d NEVER call anyone.
I am not suicidal right now, just really depressed, at a constant depressive state. I feel as if I have no genuine friends. I feel like I’m the only one who knows I exist at times. I have my stepfather and mother’s love, and that’s basically what I’ve been living for. I know that’s more than a lot of people have, but outside of that I feel unloved, and very lonely because I know they don’t really understand me or want to.
I say to myself over and over, I don’t want sex. People too often think that the lack of sex in their life is what makes them empty. I could care less about sex. I don’t want sex… unless it comes with intimacy. What I want is someone to truly care about me and work to get to know me and love me. I want to be with someone I like and know I could hug and touch and spend time with. Ehh…
I’m sure that’s what a lot of people in the world want. I don’t know why I feel so on-edge, like if I don’t get that in the next four weeks I’m pulling the plug… Anything that good ought to be worth waiting for. I believe that.
But between then and now, I don’t understand how to be happy with myself or accept being alone as an “okay” state to be in.
I think a huge part of my self-judging is from when I was in middle school. Kids were always making fun of me. “Friends” were like currency, everybody had to have someone to sit with at the lunch table otherwise they were outcasts. No one ever sat with me and people would literally tell me “you have no friends” and pick at my everything that wasn’t cool enough or good enough. People called me gay and faggot and ridiculed and threw shoes at me in the locker room. I feel like the experience gave me an unrealistic view on the world and the meaning of “friendship.” Back then it meant survival, sort of like how it is used in jail or prison- you need someone to trust and to watch your back.
But in the “real” adult world, is friendship so material? Whose to say? But coming up, I learned that if you don’t have any friends, you must be a loser. And here I am, I can’t name any friends.