Almost 10 yrs ago I met and married the man of my dreams, my soulmate, my other half… We had a great life, and everybody we knew wanted to be us… they wanted to have the love that we felt for one another as it emenated from our bodies like god’s light.

One day, after many stupid arguments over money and other really dumb things… I was mad, and told him if he didn’t like it here – not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out… they were just words, I didn’t mean them – but out of anger comes awful things… your brain should stop functioning when you are angry until you calm down and think about what to say and what to keep inside you… but it doesn’t work that way… and many marriages including mine fall apart with just a few evil words whether meant or not.

Anyway, the next morning we got up together, I made his lunch with a chocolate kiss in the bag… he got ready for work, kissed me as he went out the door, just like always… only this time he didn’t come home after work… in fact, he never came home again.

Oh sure, I would see him now and again, but it wasn’t the same… our magic had simply vanished… and now we were just 2 people who weren’t even sure we liked each other anymore… The following week, he called my mom’s house and told her to tell me to stay home thursday night when he came to pick up the rest of his things…

HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT? I DIDN’T WANT TO WATCH HIM WALK AWAY FROM ME AGAIN… So I went out drinking with a girlfriend, just so I wouldn’t be home… Only when he came to my mom’s house that thursday he didn’t come to leave – he came back home to stay – only I was out… and that proved to him that I didn’t care enough about our life together… that I could just go out like nothing was wrong… but I didn’t go out like nothing was wrong, I went to get plastered so I wouldn’t hurt so much…

but when I learned what happened… I was a mess… he didn’t give me a chance to explain, he just packed the rest of his things and left…

But I remember the good things… the fun times… the laughter and tears of joy we shared, the memories of doing things & going places, the memories of his kiss, the way he made love to me (like I was the only person on earth besides him)...

Oh I don’t believe that I will ever feel that strongly about anyone again… I never have gotten over him… it’s been 3 years – and this is the longest stretch 1 yr, 3 months we have gone without seeing each other… we still talk on the phone…

But he is not the man I married… he has gf’s that don’t care if he comes or goes, doesn’t care if he doesn’t come home… I wouldn’t put up with that nonesense and he knows it… that’s why he doesn’t come around.. because I expect things, and can’t just accept them the way they are… I would rather not be with him, and have great memories… then be with him now, and makde crappy ones.

I built a wall around my heart… I can let love out, but no new love can come in… I wouldn’t put my heart through another breakup no matter what the cost.