and he doesn’t come back… I talked to him today, he doesn’t realize what just hearing his voice does to me… I get swept up in the past and the tears roll down my face… Oh how I want to tell him I still love him… to hold him… to kiss him… but I don’t tell him I love him… that gives him so much power over me – it lets him hurt me time & again – and I am not sure I could life through another hearrbreak like that one.

So I love him from afar, not telling him my feelings… I am sure if he came to the house – he would be able to see the love in my eyes… and I want him to come over so badly… I was almost begging him – he said maybe over the weekend…

I have been sick, real sick – temporary over 104, going throught delerium and hallucinating – but I could have sworn he was here with me last night… when I was sick… Holding me, in my hallucination – there was war everywhere… and I was running up to see him before I was killed… and he was in a helicopter – with his gf – but before I could say anything, he told his gf to help me into the copter… and we took off… figuring we had a better chance of living in the air, then on the ground where bombs and stun guns were used to subdue the people.

We landed someplace over water, on a bridge that had been exploded… and had to somehow get back to land… so we left the copter where it was, and started running…. on the lower half of the bridge closest to the water… and his gf fell and he didn’t stop to save her, he just grabbed my hand and pulled me along…

for what seemed to be hours, was probably just minutes or seconds, but we reached land and there didn’t appear to be any fighting going on, there was a house in the distance and we got in… but as we tried to walk through the rooms, little razor sharp arrow heads, came at us depending on what board we stood on… so I gave up and sat down… after being hit by as many as 20 of these things… it looked like i had been dragged through a pricker bush… but I remember asking – because other people who I didn’t know where there too… Out Loud – I yelled… Did Mike Make It?

Mike hobbled over to me, yes honey I did…

I had to call him today… I miss him so much… I will go to my death, loving him… and maybe in death god will reunite us… tht’s a wondrful way to die I think.