sadly, we’re currently not speaking. things ended amicably and officially on my thirtieth birthday. i’d spent two-and-a-half months in a sort of limbo, not knowing what was going on. i tried asking outright and would only receive vague half-answers like, “i want a monogamous, platonic relationship with you.” what does that even mean? it means we’re not dating each other, but you don’t want me to date anyone else. it implies that you’re not dating anyone else, but you also know that i would never ask you if you were.

things had been tense for a while. i don’t feel longing anymore. i don’t feel anything anymore. i still love him, and when it ended he told me, “you know, i still intend to marry you one day.” for the first time, i didn’t cry when i heard that.

it says that it takes an average of two years to attain this goal. i haven’t given up, but i’m exploring other options…