I may have inadvertently outed myself to my mother. It happened yesterday and she hasn’t said anything, though I’m not sure if this is because she genuinely didn’t notice anything amiss or is too mortified/emotionally inept to take me up on it. She’s acting as if nothing happened though and I’m following her lead. For the moment, at least.
Yesterday my girlfriend and I were out shopping in the city centre. Picture the scene… We’re standing in the queue in a shop leaning against each other and linking arms, probably looking every inch the couple as we’re currently in that wonderful cannae-get-enough-of-each-other stage. We’re having a wee cuddle and suddenly over her shoulder I see my mum in the bloody shop! As I later commented quite astutely, I just about shat myself. Quickly jumping away from Jude in a manner I’ll surely recognize as comical once I get over the pure trauma of the situation, I exclaimed that nervous ‘Hi!’ which just oozes… implications.
In hindsight, the whole incident could’ve been rendered much less suspicious had I simply introduced them to each other, something which didn’t occur to my panic-stricken mind at the time. Now I’m sure the impression imparted upon my mother is less ‘Hi mum, this is my pal, we’re out shopping’ and more ‘Hi mum, this is my big queer femme-dyke lover, we’re out shopping, and afterwards we’re going back to hers to have big queer homosex on her living room floor’. :/
Joking aside though, I was freaking out quite a bit. I was taken for a stiff drink and some comforting (in a gay bar of all places!) but still felt really… Hmmm. I just felt like my wee coming-out plan had gone to shit and any control over the situation I once had was now gone. Faced with the reality of having to go home and have that conversation with my mother, I was scared witless and shitless.
When I got home she seemed perfectly normal. I was seeing Ms Robinson later that night and by the time I’d gotten ready to go out there was only half an hour in which to have a talk with her. I decided, quite correctly I feel, that this isn’t enough time in which to have that particular conversation. So we’re back to the question of when... I suspect that my parents have known I’ve been queer since last year but it’s gone unspoken since then. I do feel like I need to ‘come out’ to them properly regardless.
Perhaps it’s best to do it sooner rather than later? I’m not sure how my mum would react… She doesn’t seem particularly homophobic but then I’ve always felt she’s been disappointed that I was never the ‘normal’ girly girl she wanted me to be. She is quite patronizing towards me because of my age so I expect she’ll dismiss my sexuality as ‘a phase’ and all that guff. I have a good support network though and if the worse comes to the worst several people have space on their couches (including my dad, who I expect will be totally fine with it and not really care either way as long as I’m happy). So aye… Wish me luck I guess?
