I have been pretty faithful to meditating for ten minutes a day (except for one day this week). Normally, I do not mention or write about it because what I get out of the process is beyond words, but sometimes, rather than reaching a non-dual awareness, information comes to me.

What kept coming to mind today was the fact that I am still dealing with a disappointment (not getting a grant that I was sure was mine…). What came to me was that the real heart of my disappointment lies within the idea that I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me. It is a source of validation. The person responsible for providing the grant is a teacher of mine. This was not just a money disappointment but one where I felt rejected by this teacher, not worthy. In feeling this way, I realized I have put him in an unrealistic position where he decides if I am validated or not. In the past couple of days I have belittled him as a defense mechanism (in my head) (I went through a bit of an anger stage) So today during my short mediation, I became aware that I really like him as a person and he is a good teacher, but I really do not need him to like me (only to be a reasonable and knowledgeable source) in order to like myself.

Ah, my human silliness.