I’ve been anorexic since 2002,and bulimic since 2004. For the last two years I’ve had my ED’s fairly controlled. But they’re back, both of them. In the process of gaining back control I also gained back every lb I lost and then some. I truly am and have been overweight, so it’s really easy to not get caught, especially with anorexia. I don’t know why I’m having to face this again. I’ve been loosing weight the right way, my metabolism is back to where it should be, I’ve been healthy. So why now? I hate being obsessed with exercise, and weight. I hate being obsessed with calories. I hate feeling like I need to B/P every time I eat (says bulimia) because I shouldn’t be eating (says anorexia). It’s taking everything I have to fight it right now. I now honestly believe its true that you never completely recover from this. You overcome and adapt, you fight, you have times where its easier, where you’re not thinking about it. But you don’t really recover. It just goes to sleep for awhile, like it did for me.

My bulimia is very sporadic, I’ll be fine for months and then I’ll have a week – a month where it’s back, then I go to fighting it, and anorexia shows up. The bulimia may stay awhile or go back to sleep, anorexia is not so kind.
Now, after having nearly two years of freedom only to have these awful diseases show up again, I know it’s a vicious cycle and something I will always battle.

I waste so much time on this. Thinking about food, weight, planning my day around these stupid eating disorders. So much energy fighting them, and then so much energy when I allow them to control me.

I wish I could just make it stop. I wish I could just eat in a normal, healthy way and stop looking at food like it’s the enemy. I wish I could stop obsessing. I wish I could just continue to lose weight the right way until I get to a healthy weight and then be happy with that. I wish I didn’t have these diseases.